


(so tell me why) my gods look like you

by godblessem (tomkiffson)



Category: Stranger Things (TV 2016)
Genre: Billy is Alive, Harringrove, Homophobic Slurs, M/M, Mental Health Issues, PTSD, Past Abuse, cursing, dont want him anywhere near my babies thank you, homphobia, i yeeted neil tf out, transphobia if you squint
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-29
Updated: 2019-09-17
Packaged: 2020-07-25 02:02:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 28,293
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20024722
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tomkiffson/pseuds/godblessem
Summary: billy’s struggling with his sexuality, coupled with ptsd from being mind flayed. he’s trying to breathe easy, even if a boy with big brown eyes takes it.steve is beginning to grasp that he doesnt necessarily like the concept of himself having a sexuality, which is too much after almost dying too many times.title from 1950 by kingprincess :)find me on tumblr @billsprettyboy





	1. Slept

**Author's Note:**

> hi! im jaxton :)  
> this is my first harringrove fic ever and im very excited for it! please let me know what you think!
> 
> also, dedicated to the absolute best person, who has helped me w this and supported me! you can find them @hargroveandharrington on tumblr, as well! 
> 
> anyway, please enjoy!

song of the chapter: slept by grayscale

It was dark.  
And cold.  
There was a searing pain all over.

The mind-flayer was beginning to weave itself back into Billy. He could feel it grasping at the ends of his consciousness. Pressing his hands to his head, he let out a blood-curdling scream. Anything to relieve the pressure in his chest and head, it’s all too much. His throat felt raw, until water drenched it.

His eyes shot open to see a tired Max with an empty glass in her hand. Water dripped from the glass down to her fingers, apparently she had taken it upon herself to wake him. Billy sputtered around the water caught in his throat. He sat up quickly, evaluating his current situation, which was seemingly okay. There was no mind-flayer, no Star Court. Nothing, except for his same bedroom with his mom’s old lace curtains framing his windows. Breathing still uneven, he sat up and stared at his step-sister.

“Kid, I—,” he stops for a moment, scrambling for words, “I’m sorry.”

Max’s red hair seemed almost brown in the dim lighting of his bedroom, “Billy, you were screaming like you were being mur—“ her sentence fell short. The unfinished words hanging in the air, because that’s why he was screaming. When the mind-flayer attempted to murder him all he could do was scream. His mind went black and he swore he was dead. Until he wasn’t.

Max touched Billy’s leg, “I’m sorry for that,” she pursed her lips, “But I’m here for you.”

Blue eyes traced the patterns on his comforter and shaggy bangs covered his scrunched brow, “Yeah, thanks.”

She sat there for a beat longer, looking over Billy as if to make sure he wasn’t physically harmed. He had to move from her, the vulnerability was just too much. Everything felt sore and tender and fragile and fresh and just too many things Billy hadn’t familiarized for himself. Caught in the hurricane of his thoughts, he almost missed Max leaving. His eyes stayed on her back as she left him to his bed, to his room, to his thoughts. 

The silence seemed too loud, too bold, and too dangerous. 

Tugging his frizzy locks of hair, a poor attempt at grounding himself, he decided he had earned a cigarette. Billy stood quietly and padded his way to the furthest window in the room. Pale moonlight washed the dark floor boards and his moved his curtains from the pane. Lighting a cigarette appeared to be the only thing that came easy to him anymore. The street was so dark and barren that the flickers of the lights made them seem as if they were breathing. A life all of its own. Big and encompassing like—

He took a drag, smoke filling his lungs, pushing his thoughts from the forefront. It had been a month since Star Court and it had also been a month of him reliving it. His bedroom felt safe enough because not many people had entered it. In the past weeks he even began despising leaving it for anything other than food, pissing, and smokes. That was more than enough for him to survive.

Except his step-mom was becoming increasingly worried, like he asked. His dad had left them a week before when he claimed his family was ‘too goddamn soft’ and he left for a woman in another town, another state. Billy wasn’t terribly concerned since Susan seemed more relieved than heartbroken. She was overjoyed when Billy chose her and Max over Neil. Although, who wouldn’t have chosen them over Neil, Billy couldn’t even begin to understand that.

He took another drag and let his eyes wander the neighborhood, finding anything to take his mind off of the past. The carnage, the flames, the screams, the explosions, the pain, the— 

“What the fuck is Harrington doing out?” he mumbled to himself, cigarette muffling his syllables.

Steve Harrington was sure enough having a slow cruise in his father’s car through Billy’s neighborhood. Blue eyes traced the beige car creeping along the pavement, mere feet from his house. A smirk played on his lips as Steve pushed a hand through his thick locks, letting out a noticeable sigh. Billy kept slowly smoking his cigarette as he watched the older boy drive. As Steve turned the corner by the stop sign, he looked back in Billy’s direction as if he almost saw the tired blue eyes studying him. Billy felt a shiver creep up his spine and stamped out his cigarette. He pulled his curtains hurriedly, that was more than enough human interaction for the next week. The capacity he currently held are Max, Susan, and Julie, his therapist. He had agreed to see her since that was the only thing Susan had asked of him in return of him staying with her.

He had never considered actually seeking any medical attention, until Star Court and the Federal Bureau of Investigation offered him a generous settlement to keep himself quiet. Ever since, he had stayed in his house, keeping completely quiet. Music hadn’t been played in his room for the better part of two months and he just isn’t sure he could handle it. Julie had mentioned that his current actions, thoughts, and feelings had a name. A reason. It scared him to think of having what she told him. He couldn’t even bear to think of the words, or even the four letters that composed the acronym for it. Billy hadn’t gone to war, so obviously she was wrong. Obviously. 

A sigh slipped from his lips as he laid back onto his bed and stared into the wall. The night was too long and unsure for him to be able to rest in it like everyone else. His mind was his worst enemy as it made him relive his every moment of being flayed. Blood and screams were heard every night. If it wasn’t him dying it was Max, Eleven, and the occasional Steve. There was a never ending sequence of outcomes weeding their way into his thoughts. Which is why being awake was just easier, no death, seems like a no-brainer.

At least, that’s what he’ll tell himself until the sun comes up and exhaustion creeps into his marrow. Even then sleep is out of reach because he has to keep up at least a half-assed act that he was copacetic. Susan’s half-pity, half-relieved smiles were his alarm clock. That always reminded him what he had to do in order to keep up the façade of him being alright. Then Max will walk in with he hair in a rat’s nest and eyes glassy. Pouring a bowl of cereal and avoiding any exchange of words by keeping her cheeks as full as a chipmunk in the winter months. 

He closed his eyes, dreaming of the mornings before any of it. Any of the bullshit that the mind-flayer forced him to do, any of his excruciating pain, or any of his confusing feelings, were left behind. Billy let himself have his mornings as a small piece of normalcy he had carved out for himself in his new life; which was currently not even close to resembling of who he once was. Instead of constantly burning rubber, kissing girls, and being drunk, he now went for something quieter. He enjoyed walking through woods, thinking of boys, and staying as right in his mind as possible. Julie probably wouldn’t be too happy regarding how keen he is on isolating himself. But what Julie doesn’t know won’t hurt her, like how he’s gone five days without sleep. He’s learned how to hide his black circles fairly well, considering Neil gave him plenty opportunities to practice over the years. A couple dabs of foundation did the trick.

Billy lets out a heavy sigh, yet another topic in his life he can’t verbalize. Never finding a shred of strength to call what his dad had done to him the proper term. It made it sound too real, almost as if it was official what he had done. The long-haired boy just wasn’t ready for that. He’ll stay in the trance of that he was a fuck up and his dad had every right to do what he did. He had earned it after all.

His thoughts took him far into his mind and the inner workings of himself. The memories, ideas, and loneliness swirled around and felt as if they were almost scraping his meninges. That is, until, the sun started to rise and he felt himself relax. He survived another night. He’s safe. Sagging with relief, he lets his eyes rest and decides he’s earned a brief nap.

Across Hawkins was another teen struggling with the same problems as Billy Hargrove. He sat up all night in hopes that a curtain will be lifted and someone will be there to tell him that it was only a joke, a show for them. None of it actually happened and he can rest easy. Although, none of that ever really came for him in the past month. 

Steve grew tired of tossing and turning in the night. Avoiding his problems was much easier when he drove through the night, observing Hawkins from a spectator’s view. Everyone was asleep as he drove through the town and taking note of the small, occasionally large, changes. He tended to pass through the east side more often than not. That’s where everyone lived, everyone who was there that night. The night of Star Court when he swore Billy Hargrove had died. 

This brought him around the bend of Billy’s house and he always took a moment to look at it. Specifically Billy’s window because he was the only one he hadn’t seen after that night. Sometimes Steve worries Billy might have died and he was delusional from the stress. Those worries are eased when Max comes around and tells them the things her step brother does and says. That’s the only relief he finds, but never seeks it. He finds himself passing by Billy’s house more and more frequently, almost without thinking. The maternal instincts he had developed with the kids seemed to have bled into other areas of his life, like the blue-eyed boy. 

As he slowly passed through, he turned back to look at Billy’s window. For a moment he could see the red cherry glowing in the night. It almost felt like a lighthouse leading him into something, but he kept turning the car. His mind pondered on what could have happened if he would’ve stopped and tried to speak to the blonde guy. Probably nothing spectacular, just Billy telling him to get out of his face. Steve sighed as he kept driving through the sleepy town that is Hawkins.

He took a longer way, the way that lead him to where Will had lived. The air seemed still through this part of town, as if it was healing from the trauma like he was, poorly. Just a few minutes later was where the Byer’s had lived and the tires crunched on the gravel. Tears came to his eyes as he thought of Mike and Eleven, even Jonathan came to mind. They hadn’t even been gone long, but Steve ached for them. Those were his starlight in this scary, horrible mess. How was he supposed to know if they had everything they needed or if they were staying out of trouble without them here. They were hours away, which is just terrible, he wanted to wrap them up after his bad nights. Make sure they were okay and didn’t actually die like his brain tried to convince him. 

Staring at the decrepit house brought back the first night where he truly felt like these kids started being more than kids. Him sitting in his car and them clambering in and chattering about what they needed him to do. It was, understandably, overwhelming. Steve still did it because he didn’t know who else would believe them and he could make sure they were safe. It had surpassed being for Nancy long before that, as Steve’s emotions with her didn’t run that deep. He genuinely wanted everyone to be alright, even if he risked everything for himself. 

The house seemed to be curling in on itself without having life to breathe. His mind flashed back to the christmas lights, the baseball bat with nails, and Billy screaming at him. Shivers went up his spine, but he knew he would do it all over just to make sure his kids were safe. Although, he might change Will and El leaving. That just caused too much pain in his heart and soul. Part of him left with them that day, yet he wouldn’t tell a soul that.

He leaned against the cool leather as he continued staring into the dark house. A glint from the rearview mirror grabbed his attention and he went to follow it. Brown eyes were red with bags as he looked and saw the sun come from the horizon. He let out a sigh and scrubbed his face with the palms of his hands. Time to go back home and try to sleep before his shift at the video store.

The road was still, as it should be at five in the morning. Steve opted for no radio because all that played at this hour were talk shows. They talked ab the tragedies in their world and he had no room to carry the weight on his shoulders. His were much too full from the upside down, Star Court, and feelings. Even though he could pop in a tape to listen, it just made him skittish. Anything too loud or brash could cause him to cry, which he found out through the rock station. Once his favorite had now morphed into something ghastly and cruel that reminded him of things that were better off forgotten. 

He parked the car quietly as possible, and tiptoed his way into the house. No one was ever awake and they never knew of his nightly outings. His father would probably kill him, considering he knew nothing of what had happened to Steve in July. That was probably for the best since what occurred that night was truly unbelievable unless one was there to witness it. Anxiety began to rise in his chest at the thought of it all. He hurried into his room, trying to contain himself. 

His chest loosened as laid on his back on his mattress. Small strips of orange, pink, and red rippled across his room. They seemed to be highlighting on a fragment of the entire room, leaving black spaces in between every quarter inch. Bathed in color were just slits of his wallpaper and decorations. For a moment it felt as if this is how his brain was working. Highlighting only certain parts of events and leaving others in the dark. But the parts highlighted were the ones that haunted him, unlike how his room appeared. All at random with no real meaning by how they were divided. By the time the sun completely rises he will be able to see it all for what it is and not really pay mind to it. Steve craves he could do that with his mind. 

Lay out all the events and stare at them. Pick them apart like meat off a bone, until he was finished. Until he felt like he had succeeded in leaving it all behind in his past. He couldn’t do that, at least not for a while. There was just too much for him and the mere thought of Star Court leaves him breathless. All the fire and screams and— 

He simply just couldn’t handle it.

Steve wrapped himself under his blanket, fabric covering all of him except his face. He stared into the strips of light painting his bedroom as tears slipped from him. What if he hadn’t been there? Who would be dead? What if they hadn’t defeated the mind-flayer? What if he had died? What happens after we die?

He was sobbing and pressed his face into his pillow. It was just too fucking much for him to grasp or comprehend. Everything was so heavy and he felt terribly alone. The kids obviously had to feel this way in some sense, but he’d never discuss it with them. He was Steve Harrington, bad-ass parent. None of them had seen him like this broken, desperate for release from the pain. Nancy wasn’t a wonderful option because, quite frankly, who would want to cry on their ex-girlfriend’s shoulder? Definitely not him. 

Of course him and Robin had one another, which definitely helped. He just couldn’t really let his walls down with her like she had cried on his shoulder plenty of times. The memories of the Russians attempting to murder them were quite…vibrant. She had cried to him multiple times over the night of Star Court, and even beyond that. Robin had cried over her sexuality, claiming society will see her as broken, but Steve reassured her. He had even had feelings for guys, that were completely the same as he had with girls. 

Thankfully, Robin had a word for this conundrum of Steve’s sexuality, it’s called bisexual. His heart soared as she told him and he might have almost been to tears. She had been the only person to have ever know his actual feelings of people. Especially boys, who he seemed to favor just a touch more than girls, which was reassured by Robin that that was fine. He had also been the first person she had told of her liking of girls. Although his feelings seemed to have tilted in another direction, as of late, he didn’t much care for the thought of sexuality. In the perception of how society sees it as such a defining thing for a person, where he doesn’t. What defines a person for him, mainly, is how the treat others. How they handle themselves in a dangerous situation and whom they put first. Much like the people at the night of Star Court are at the top of the list of people he loves. The thought of not loving, caring, or protecting them just because of who they love makes him sad.

Steve remembers a moment, coming down from whatever the Russians had injected into them. He thought he had truly like Robin as more, but turns out he really didn’t. The look on her face as she confessed her feelings for Tammy Thompson — who, in Steve’s opinion, is completely unworthy of Robin— was tragic. The strong girl Steve had come to know seemed small, scared and even fragile. That hurt him more than anything else, was that Robin was scared of him judging her. After all they had been through, he could have given less of a shit about her liking girls. He was more concerned with her almost dying that night.

That moment was etched into his memories, probably one of the few times he had been genuinely speechless. Well, right behind Dustin quoting his girlfriend’s feelings on his lack of teeth and kissing. Nevertheless, it was one he likes to cherish in a sense of being more genuine and realistic about the world. Robin feels the same, he likes to think.

Steve drifted into sleep, dreams accompanied with Robin and the boy whose eyes haunt him.

The morning quickly fades into afternoon and Billy finds himself out of cigarettes. Irritation was bubbling beneath the surface, but he attempted to stay calm. Whenever he’s nicer then Susan will let him borrow the car a bit more frequently. He trudged into the kitchen, only wearing a small pair of black exercise shorts. Susan was sitting at the counter, pouring herself into some book. Billy cleared his throat, feeling foreign to not just interrupt her.

Susan looked up and gave him a small smile, “Hey, Billy.”

“Hey, I was wondering if, uh, I could borrow the car? I’m out of smokes,” he explained with as much patience as he could muster. 

She grinned at him, “That’s perfect! Max wanted to go to the video store.”

Billy barely suppressed the urge to roll his eyes, “Fine.”

He stomped his way to Max’s room and knocked on the door, “C’mon, kid.” She turned to him quickly, blue eyes standing out from her pale face and freckles. Max climbed to her feet and rushed behind Billy, who was already making his way to the car.

Outside was nice, the air was hot with little to no humidity. He sat in the driver’s seat and waited for Max to be buckled before he left the driveway. The first few minutes were quiet, peaceful even. That is until she flicked on the radio and Billy almost swerved into a light pole. He slammed his hand and turned it back off and heaved in breaths. Wide blue eyes from the passenger seat were quickly filled with tears.

“Billy, I’m so sorry,” she whimpered. 

He gasped in a breath, “Don’t do that shit again.”

The rest of the ride to down town was filled with anxiety and silence. Billy tapped his fingers relentlessly against the wheel and Max tangled her fingers into her fiery red locks. Both seeking comfort in ways others could easily overlook. A gas station came into view quickly and Billy became eager. All he needed was nicotine and he’d be right as rain.

Thrusting the car into park after pulling into a parking space. He looked back at Max for a moment, “Stay here.”

In what had to have been less than a minute he was already out of the store, cigarette perched in his left hand. He walked back to the car, quite hurriedly, there were four people in the gas station. That was three too many for Billy. He puffed on his cigarette anxiously for a few more moments, keeping the car idling while Max was studying him. Blue eyes and messy blonde hair turned to the right, an eyebrow arched above his left eye. 

“What?” his usual bite had simmered down to almost nothing.

Max kept looking at him, “Well, are you okay?”

Billy rolled his eyes, “Peachy.” He threw the car in reverse and sped down the road. The video store was much too close to the gas station, if you asked him.

A small squeak came from Max as her shoulder bumped the door. Billy paid her no mind as he finally slowed to a steady 20 miles per hour in down town. The video store was quickly approaching and his breathing quickened. So many people had to be in there and if there’s a lot of people then bad things will happen. Because Billy’s there and he knows that he is not good. He knows. 

He parked the car and gripped the steering wheel before reaching for another cigarette. Max cleared her throat, Billy forgot she was even there.

“I’ll be out in a sec,” she mumbled, scurrying out of the car.

Billy laid his head against the window of the car and he stared at the blinking open sign. It seemed so ominous to him, with its fluorescent lights and soft buzz. There was plenty of that in Star Court. There were plenty of things in Star Court, like tears, blood, and fire. He gulped, throat gone dry. Steve Harrington protecting the kids for the nth time was there. Hopper’s near death experience laid in the underground labyrinth, only meters from where his own was. Eleven losing her powers, because of him, laid there. Max’s pristine view of the world was shattered along with the walls of Star Court. Mike watching his girlfriend almost dying laid there along with Lucas setting pounds of fireworks to save what he could. Beside that laid Dustin’s anxiety of what had happened and—

Billy scrubbed his face and threw out his cigarette. Thinking was just too much. He looked at the clock in his car and realized Max had been gone for over five minutes. Time was ticking before he needed to be home, this had already been enough. Billy slammed the door of the car as he walked into the video store. 

He grasped the cool door handle, taking a steadying breath, icing over his features. Maybe he isn’t himself, but it’s not like everyone needs to be aware of that. There was a soft bell chiming above him and he forced himself not to flinch. His eyes were adjusting to the lower lighting of the store when he heard a crash. Fear crashed into his veins at the loud noise, but he looked to his left and saw Steve Harrington under a stack of at least fifteen taped. A smirk played on his lips as he walked over to the brown-eyed boy. 

Steve’s eyes bulged out as Billy stared down at him, “Well, that was a better welcome than I thought I’d be getting, pretty boy.”

It was a mess watching Steve pick himself from the tapes and the floor just to almost knock over a shelf. 

Billy laughed, “Jesus, you alright, Harrington?”

“What do you care, Hargrove?” Steve spat.

A soft pang was in Billy’s chest, resonating the fear that people thought he was the same. The same guy who was always mean and condescending and just no good.

He had practice at keeping his face cold, “Cause I just gotta know every time I see you if you’re gonna try and break some shit.”

Steve opened his mouth to retort, but was cut off when Max interrupted him.

“Billy? I’m so sorry! I saw Lucas and—“ she was cut off by Billy’s hand being raised.

“Shut it, I don’t care. Let me know when you’re ready, I’ll be in the front.” Billy looked Steve up and down one time before trudging to the front.

Steve’s eyes were wide as he looked to Max for an answer to Billy’s odd behavior. He never just lets Max tell him when she’s ready and everyone knows that. Her red hair left behind her as she probably ran off to find Lucas in the back of the store. He carefully picked up all the tapes and ambled his way to the front counter. 

His heart raced as he saw Billy standing at the counter, playing with toys that come with the candy. Blonde brows were furrowed in concentration, foot tapping in sync with the music playing from the speakers above them. Steve’s breath was shallow because Billy Hargrove has to be the most beautiful thing he had ever seen in his life. Blue eyes looked over to him, dark lashes framing them and a candy pink smirk were almost teasing him. As if he were saying, ‘Steve, I know you’re madly in love with me, but I’m unattainable so I’ll stand here and be pretty.’

Steve took a deep breath and walked around the breathtaking boy at his sales counter only to trip and smack his head into a cardboard figure.

“Jesus H, man,” Billy chuckled as he grabbed Steve’s waist to steady him.

Steve’s sides felt like they were ignited and he wanted that sensation to always be on him. He quickly set the tapes back in a box and turned to Billy with an eyebrow raised, “Excuse you?”

“Excuse me? Excuse you,” the younger boy huffed.

He let out a frustrated groan, “Listen, Hargrove, stop getting in my way.”

Blue eyes rolled towards the ceiling, “Spare me, you’re just a klutz.”

“I wouldn’t be if you wouldn’t be everywhere,” Steve shot back.

Billy grinned, a glint in his eye, “I make you nervous?”

Sputtering and trying to back track his words, Steve was saved by Max a second time. A slap on the counter caused them to stop their arguing to see Max’s choice of movie for the night. Billy only glanced, but it seemed more than what he could handle right now. She raised her eyebrows, “Well?” 

Steve groaned, “Quit watching this shit, kid. It’s gonna rot your brain.”

Max laughed, “You think I care about this after last month?”

Billy stiffened and looked down to the candy again because last month hasn’t left his system yet. It’s still playing in his head on a loop and he hasn’t found a way to escape it. Not even with sleep. He caught a glimpse of Harrington from the corner of his eye, and he saw the dark rings. He saw the rumpled hair and the red rimmed eyes. Steve was just like him, but too afraid to say a word about it. He wonders, for a moment, if he thinks some of the same things as him. If he has the same fears or if he flinched. What if he really wasn’t by himself in this. That seemed almost scarier than the actual night at Star Court. Billy let the thoughts go and brought himself back to the present.

The rest of the transaction went quietly and they left the store. Leaving Steve alone with his thoughts and Billy with more questions than answers. Before he could talk himself out of it, he let himself have the last word.

“Don’t fall over anything else, Harrington,” he joked.

Steve gave him a small grin, “Only in your dreams, Hargrove.”

Billy snorted and walked out of the store. He couldn’t help, but yearn for his dreams to actually be about Steve. Not him dying or anything tragic. Just anything to do with him would be about one-thousand times better than the dreams he had then. He swallowed harshly and glanced to Max. She seemed fine, happy even. He couldn’t help but long for that. 

Maybe one day he’ll find that.


	2. drive

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> once again dedicated to hargroveandharrington on tunblr! :) they’re an absolute angel!!
> 
> hope you enjoy it! please leave kudos and comments! :)

chapter 2: drive  
song of the chapter: drive by halsey

Steve jolted awake as his nightmare became too intense for him to handle. His heart was pounding as he climbed from the bed and shoved his shoes on his feet. The house was quiet as he crept down the stairs and to grab the keys from the counter. Looking around to make sure no one can see him, he slips into the night. These drives had become his reason to keep going with life, although it was very tempting to keep himself locked away in his room.

The heels of his shoes made muffled clicks as he sauntered to his dad’s car. He takes a deep breath and gently opens the door, making as little noise as possible. Thankfully the engine was quieter than most, which helped him ease out of the driveway. Steve began to drive down the lonely road and he only realized it was three in the morning. A sigh escaped his lips as he began his usual route through the neighborhoods of Hawkins. He saved one for last, and that was Billy’s house. Unless he was missing Will more than usual and he crept up to the old home. 

Passing by the houses made him yearn for something he can’t remember having, although he knows he did at one point. The sense of safety of this small town nestled in the middle of nowhere. His heart ached as he imagined the old him, the one only concerned with high school and girls. A snort escaped his lips because now he can’t even imagine being so focused on girls or the hell that is high school. The space in his memories was taken by the night of Star Court, where a piece of him died, and he’s lost. These people had no idea of what was really lurking through their realm and how fragile they really are. The innocence that they had thought they’d lost was only a layer of the universe’s complexities. He understood that now. 

What Steve longed for the most was to give the kids back their childhood. Give them back the mindset that they are safe and sound, but that’s impossible. He just hopes that they learn to handle themselves better than him. A boy who steals his dad’s car every night, trying to flee from his own mind, and never sleeping from outright fear. This caused him to look in the mirror and huff at the bags under his eyes. They were so dark and ghastly standing out from his fair skin. Steve didn’t like going outside much anymore because that meant energy he no longer had. 

He takes a turn and passes by Mike’s house, which lead him to Lucas’ in the next mile, and Dustin’s in the next two miles. A soft smile graced his lips because he was proud to call them friends, some of the bravest people he had ever met. He will ever meet. Shaking his head, he wonders how he was so lucky. The road by Dustin’s house was a tad more worn and he could feel it as he hit a pot hole. He wasn’t phased by that much anymore, but what was on the street past Dustin’s could do it. Steve spared a glance at Dustin’s house, kissing his pointer and middle fingers and pressed them to the glass. It was a ritual he had formed to send some kind of his love to them, even though he only knew of it. The stop sign came quickly, and he slowed to its direction. A half mile down the road was the Hargroves house and tucked in the top floor was Billy. 

Exasperation fills Steve’s tired sigh as he thinks of Billy Hargrove, the most confusing person he’d ever met. The boy with painful, engulfing blue eyes. Whenever Steve found himself with a bit of luck on his side, he would gaze into them. Almost feeling as he could get lost by the shards of crystals that were somehow placed in Billy’s eyes. His blood sings at the thought of having that intimacy with the younger boy. Thinking of anything beyond that seemed almost inappropriate to the doe-eyed kid driving with tired eyes. Knowing what he wanted from Billy seemed to be distancing itself from a child-like crush. Steve craved something real in his strange relationship with the former lifeguard.

Coming into view was Billy’s stark, white house, being illuminated from a street light two house from his. It gave it an almost hauntingly still expression. As Steve inched his car through the vacant neighborhood and closer to Billy’s house. He wouldn’t admit it to a soul, but he took a slower approach to the blonde boy’s house. Cherishing it as some kind of distance closed between them, if only physical. It ate him alive never knowing where Billy stood with any of this. This pain and trauma and confusion. He feels like the dust will never settle and hopes the beautiful boy doesn’t. Steve knew, deep inside his heart, that Billy was suffering similarly. 

The car finally reached the property line of the Mayfield-Hargrove house. Steve’s heart strings clenched and he stared longingly to it, hoping for answers that would never come. The top left window was Billy’s and he had windows on two sides of the house. Steve finds himself sending anxious glances into both when he’s parallel to either. The first was darkly lit, light not quite spilling over. He still gazes into it, waiting for something. Never entirely sure what it is he seems to be searching for from the window. 

He keeps inching past until he reaches the stop sign and takes his right turn. He takes the opportunity to stare at Billy’s window illuminated from the street light. Every night he passed was the same, no Billy, maybe billowing curtains and leftover smoke. One night he saw Billy’s lit cigarette, but that’s all he was spared. That was more than enough comfort for Steve to know Billy hadn’t completely lost himself. Though tonight was quite different. 

If Steve had’t been basically at a crawl with his car, he’s sure he would’ve crashed it. There stood Billy Hargrove in all five feet and ten inches of his god-like glory. Steve’s mouth dried as he saw Billy with messy hair, no shirt, and low pants. A cigarette dangled from his right hand, which was resting on top of his left arm. He was propped against the window pane and it seemed as if he was trying to communicate something. The brown eyed boy just wanted to run and ask him ‘what? what is it Hargrove?’ instead he opted for something else. That was him driving back down the road and trying to train his breathing to a normal pace. The sight of Billy’s half-naked form was ingrained into him, not as if when they showered wasn’t something he revisited. 

This time felt different. It felt more intimate, as if Billy could have anticipated Steve’s impending night drive. Almost like Billy wanted to the older boy to see him in a vulnerable, softer state. At least, that’s what Steve’s going to tell himself as he replays it in his head for the rest of his days.

Billy was still propped on his window as he walked Steve creep on by his house. He had a smirk set on his lips, so Harrington was a regular then. The blonde haired boy took his time finishing his cigarette because what’s the rush with it at three in the morning. Harrington was quite the character to see watching his window at the small hours of the morning. Although, it didn’t exactly frighten him as it would anyone else, but he chooses not to question that.

He ran a red tongue along his white teeth, watching Steve drive into the night. Billy turned to his room and let out a heavy sigh because he wanted to talk to Steve, at least more than teasing him. He wanted to know what urged the older boy out of the house and into his dad’s car to prowl Hawkins. His chest tightened as he thought of Steve tossing and turning in bed, like he does. No one deserves that, especially not the boy who risked it all to keep everyone safe. Billy deserves it, that much he knows. 

The bed let out soft creaks as he sat on it. He felt…heavy. That was the only word that evenly remotely resembled his current emotions. Everything seemed bleak, dull, and sad. Billy didn’t care for that, but this is what he’ll be stuck with for a while. Julie tries to tell him that he won’t be and as much as he’d like to believe that, it seems farcical. Even entertaining the thought of him being somewhat stable or even healed felt wrong. He definitely didn’t deserve that. 

His pillow made a thud as he slumped against it. The ceiling seemed harsh, muddled with splashes of black and grays. He kept staring, blue eyes dark with depression and insomnia, in hopes of finding solace. Stomach churning and rumbling brought him to the present. When was the last time he ate? Billy couldn’t remember that well. He rolled onto his side when he stomach cramped unbearably. That was enough to drag himself from his bed and to try to eat. 

Twisting the door knob quietly, he slipped into the hall. Turning to his left he sees the big glass mirror and takes himself in for the first time in a long while. There he stood, bags prominent underneath his eyes, hair limp and frizzy, and ribs seemed to be noticeable on his sides. Only slightly, nonetheless it scared him a tad. 

The kitchen was silent other than his footsteps on the cool tile and the hum of the refrigerator. He paced to the cabinet and grabbed a packet of ramen noodles, placing them gently on the counter. Grabbing a pot and placing it on the stove—after adding water of course— he slipped his noodles into the water. He sat on the counter by the stove to watch them boil. The house was so quiet and he loved it so much he almost hated it. Silence was obviously calming until it wasn’t. Until that silence turned into old memories that couldn’t die and liked to live every night. It was nice until a noise disrupted it and he flinched harder than Neil had ever made him. 

A creak was made in the hallway and his neck snapped so fast that he heard a pop. There stood Susan with sad eyes and he just looked away. Billy gets enough of those and he didn’t want anymore during his personal time. She cleared her throat in a poor attempt at catching Billy’s attention and he just continued looking at his feet.

“Billy,” she whispered. 

He gave her a soft glance, “Yeah?”

“You have an appointment with Julie tomorrow,” Susan replied.

Billy gave a noncommital shrug, “And what about it?”

Susan dragged a shaky hand through her hair, “Well, are you alright? Is she nice?”

He nodded, “Sure.” His noodles were almost done boiling and hopefully the same happens with the conversation.

“What has she told you?” his step-mom inquired.

“That I didn’t deserve any of it,” just repeating the words left a foul taste in his mouth.

Susan gave him a small smile, “She’s right about that. Goodnight, Billy.”

The blonde haired boy let out a sigh, watching Susan leave the kitchen, and began finishing his noodles. He sat at the wooden table and traced patterns that were left behind from the staining of the wood. Food left him feeling… weird, to say the least. It never felt filling and he couldn’t find himself really enjoying it. Nonetheless, he finished the bowl of noodles and retreated into his room.

Small rays of an white-gold color painted the sky above Hawkins and he realized that he must have spent longer in bed than he ever registered. He sighed as he realized that his session was Julie’s first one, at eight in the morning, about three hours later. Knowing he didn’t have time to sleep, Billy went ahead and began to get himself ready. He wants to look as if he hasn’t completely given up on himself. In his closet was one of his favorite white shirts, it had been worn and washed to wear it only had the option to be comfortable. Next was finding his denim jacket and laying it on the back of his desk chair, not wanting to wear a jacket around the house for hours on end. Then his favorite pair of jeans that made his ass look out of this world and allowed him plenty of movement. 

He gave himself one of his best smiles in the mirror, but it fell flat when his dark circles were jutted underneath his dull baby blues. The foundation was cold as he pressed it into the sensitive skin. One spot was particularly touchy and the cool touch sent him spiraling back to one day by the pool. He had recently been mind-flayed and he couldn’t handle the heat, anything cool relaxed him. 

Billy stumbled from his mirror, heart racing as he patted himself over, making sure his autonomy had not been tampered. His hands were shaking as he reached for a cigarette and leaned against his window sill for a second time that morning. Head hung heavy as he tried to focus his thoughts on anything other than the past. Easier said than done because soon enough he could almost feel being stabbed through the sides like it had just happened. He flinched so hard from the flashback his cigarette fell to the floor. It was going to be a hell of a day. 

Later that hellish day, Steve Harrington was nestled in the back of the video store rewinding all of the returned tapes. It was his seventh time rewinding Caddyshack and boredom had taken ahold of him. His fingers were tangled into his long locks as he held down the rewind button and tugging at his scalp. The old lights flickered above him and he tensed. Mind taking over, there he was underneath Star Court fighting for others’ lives and his own. His breathing quickened and he pushed his way out of the small closet-like room. Not here. Not at work. 

Steve races to the bathroom and locks the door. He presses himself against the wall and takes in a shuddering breath. When will all of this end, he wonders to himself. He even allows a few tears to escape because it eases some of the tension in his chest. Hiccuping, he pulls himself up by the sink, and he grimaces at himself. His eyes were dull, red, and shadowy. His skin seemed worn and pale, hair unkempt, and he couldn’t find it in himself to care. Steve eased his way out of the bathroom, feeling minutely better to at least work some more. 

That feeling deteriorated when he saw Billy Hargrove leaning on the counter, a smirk placed on his cherry red lips. The brown-eyed boy swallowed harshly and tried to avoid the blonde beauty, but luck wasn’t on his side. Of course Steve had to have an attack at work, only for Billy to be there immediately after. He felt so taught and exposed in the fluorescent lighting that he had to refrain from just running away from the situation. 

“Harrington,” Billy’s voice rang through the quiet aisles of the store. 

Steve turned sheepishly, offering a small wave, “What’s up—,” he scrambled for words, “…man?”

Taupe eyebrows raised, “What’s wrong? Expecting your girlfriend, pretty boy?”

“Shut it, Hargrove,” he shot back, weakly.

Billy studied Steve for a moment, biting as his lip, “You look like shit.”

The older boy let out a loud laugh, “Thanks, I really needed that. I’m getting back to work.”

Pouting was out of his character and his repertoire, although Billy couldn’t help it. He wanted to talk to Steve because Julie suggested that it could be cathartic for him to share trauma with someone who experienced something similar. Well, Steve Harrington was at the top of the list, they had both been in the battle of Star Court. Regardless of what they had done before that and who they supported, he knew that Steve had seen many of the same things as him. 

Being the relentless person that he is, Billy followed Steve. The older boy sat down and kept rewinding tapes. This left Billy propped against the door frame, an arrogant smirk decorated his lips, and Steve had to do breathing exercises Robin showed him. Except instead of avoiding an attack it was a blush or something catastrophically more humiliating. Steve spared Billy a glance and went back to rewinding the tapes. 

“Wanna hang out?” Billy’s deep timbre broke the silence.

Steve almost fell out of his chair, “What?!”

Billy rolled his crystal-like eyes, “You heard me, now do you wanna chill?”

Brown eyes made themselves into slits, “Why?”

“C’mon, Harrington. I see you passing my house all the time at night, why not chill?” he reasoned. Of course he had only seen the other pass his house twice, but that was just a minor detail. Besides, the bewildered look on Steve’s face gave it away.

The video store employee licked his lips and harshly swallowed, “It’s not what you think, Hargrove.”

Billy cocked his hip and gave his signature know-it-all smirk, “Really, Harrington? Tell me, what do I think?”

“Uh, well, you see,” Steve’s palms were sweaty and why the fuck was Billy here. Why did he pass his house? How did he see?

“I’m waiting, pretty boy,” Billy teased.

Brown eyes looked down to the carpet, “I just,” his voice broke, “I have trouble sleeping, so I drive my dad’s car to relax.”

Pity bloomed in the shorter boy’s chest, but he hid it well. Many years of practice as he asked, “So, you drive past my house going two miles per hour?”

Steve’s head seemed to be spinning and he had no idea how to respond. Instead he just turned and kept doing his job that he had easily forgotten even existed. This was all too much and surreal, his fingers itched for the car keys. He needed the open road, not a small closet with Billy Hargrove hovering around the doorway questioning his nightly routines. For god’s sake he could even smell Billy’s hair gel and cigarette smoke emanating.

There was a stretch of silence that stunned Steve because Billy really isn’t going to pester him, unrealistic. Although, minutes ticked by and he hadn’t grabbed a new tape and the other boy hadn’t made a comment about anything. Not his hair, his under-eye bags, or his shaking hands. Something was wrong with Billy like there was something wrong with him. That made his stomach churn at the thought of that lovely creature having anything other than the best. 

“So, you like coming to my job to harass me?” Steve asked, voice more confident than how he felt.

He heard the denim rustling, which signaled a shrug, “Maybe. Is this all you do? Rewind videos?”

The chair squeaked as Steve turned to face Billy, “No, I do more. Like put them out on the floor and work the cash register and—“ He was cut off by chuckles.

“C’mon, man. Chill out. I don’t care that much, but come hang with me,” Billy urged.

Steve licked his lips and held up his hand, “Let me get this straight,” he almost laughed at himself, “You, Billy Hargrove, wants me to ‘chill’ with you? What do you want? I’m broke.”

Concerned blue eyes suddenly came closer, so close he could see the dark clusters of long hair surrounding them. Billy had his left hand on top of the television and right hand on his hip, practically towering over Steve. He gave him a smile, “Listen, Harrington. I know that Star Court fucked you like it fucked me. We can pretend to everyone else it didn’t, but I see right through you. I’ve even started seeing a goddamn shrink to help,” he swallowed harshly. Eyes flickering to the doorway, as if making sure no one could hear.

“She told me that I needed to find other people to talk to about this shit and you’re the only half-decent one who isn’t twelve,” Billy spat.

Steve’s heart was pounding in his ears, this was information overload. Did the beautiful boy really want to share his thoughts and feelings of the worst night of their lives? Did he also admit to seeing a shrink? Today was taking a turn towards something he didn’t know if he was ready for or not. He looked back to Billy, or at least where he was. Now he was storming out of the store muttering something that sounded like, “forget it”

He scrambled out of the chair and raced after him, “Hargrove!” Billy just let out a snort and gave him the bird.

“Hey! I didn’t give you answer,” Steve whined.

Billy was already pushing past the door, cigarette tucked into his lips, “Silence is an answer, Harrington. Thanks for letting me embarrass myself, very humbling. Guess I deserved it.”

He was about to walk to his car when Steve bolted in front of him and slammed his hand over the door. His brown eyes were almost golden in the afternoon sunlight as he looked into the oceanic pools of the younger man’s. Clenching his hand he pointed at Billy, “Dude, fuckin’ chill. I’ll chill with you, but maybe give me a sec to process it. You hated me up until today, at least that’s what I thought, so forgive me.”

Billy glanced away from him and took a long drag off his cigarette. God, Steve just wanted to kiss him one time to just know. He wanted to know what he tasted like right now with rage surging in his veins and a cigarette lit. Instead he opted for staring at the ground and waiting for a reply. The silence was heavy, which was expected after an argument.

“When do you get off?” Billy asked. 

“Five, but I don’t have a car,” Steve pouted.

Blue eyes rolled, “Okay, so I’m picking you up?”

“Sure, at five?” Steve asked, for reassurance.

Shrugging with a small smile, “Maybe a few after to give you time to be extra careful.”

Steve stepped away from the car, “Cool. See ya then.”

Billy just slipped in his car and gave the older boy a nod, “See you, Harrington.”

“Later, Hargrove,” Steve mumbled. 

He hurried in the store, ready to pass the next couple hours of his shift to see Billy. Not knowing exactly what to expect from the hang out, considering Billy was talking about Star Court. That sent a shiver up Steve’s spine because he hadn’t been too open with anyone about that night. On one hand maybe he could trust Billy, the boy really sought him out to spend quality time. Hope blossomed in his chest, getting personal time with Billy was a dream. In just a few hours it’d become a reality and he didn’t know how to cope with that, exactly.

Granted, Billy wasn’t entirely sure how to cope with it as well. The whole ride home he beat himself up over how harsh he was to Steve, when he hadn’t done a thing. That spiraled into him comparing himself to his father, and that never ended well. When he finally parked in his drive way, he frantically rushed to the kitchen. Susan was standing at the counter and mixing something while Max was probably off with the other kids. He gnawed on his lip as his step-mom began chattering about her day, but he could only focus on asking her a question. The question. 

He cleared his throat, “Hey, uh, can I have a friend over?”

A clatter was heard as Susan dropped her spoon, “Oh, my gosh. Silly me, just dropping everything. But you said a friend? Yes, yes. Max and I could go somewhere or you could, of course. Whatever you and your friend would like to do.”

Billy grimaced at her overreaction, “We’ll probably chill here, so you and Max just need to find something to do.”

“Of course, yes,” she agreed, while her hair bobbed around her face as she nodded.

He grinned, “Great.” Then he slinked back up to his room, and decided to rest. It had been a long day, after all. Billy liked the thought of going somewhere with Steve, other than his house, but that would be out of his reach just a while longer. His mind couldn’t handle all of that activity at once, so his house sounded perfect. He had control of the situation. That’s something he craved quite a lot after Star Court, control. 

Maybe Steve could help him with that.


	3. it sucks that i’m not your guy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> fluff + angst
> 
> warning for: homophobia + homophobic slurs / minor transphobia, if you squint

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dedicated to billnsteve on tumblr! they’re very kind to me and excited ab this story! thank you sm for the support, honey!
> 
> also it’s almost 4 AM and i dont proof read or have a beta so enjoy this LMAO
> 
> comments and kudos are always appreciated it :)

chapter 3: it sucks that i’m not your guy  
song of the chapter: i think you’re really cool by guardin

WARNING: homophobia/homophobic slurs/transphobia if you squint in this chapter

The hours passed by much too slowly for Steve because he had rewinded all the videos, wiped down all the counters, and organized all the shelves. It was currently four forty-five and he wanted to scream at the clock to hurry. After all, Billy Hargrove was going to pick him up from work, and they’re going to spend time together. He got shivers at just the thought of him and Billy being alone. That was one of his biggest fantasies, just personal intimacy. Steve lets himself day-dream of what the younger boy’s room could look like. He bit down on his lip, goofy grin taking over his face, and then his elbow slipped. The glass made a loud ‘bang’ and he let out a groan, maybe he shouldn’t think of Billy. Before he could even take a moment to let the pain subside, he heard Dustin laughing. 

“Dude! Your fuckin’ face! What were you even thinking about?” Dustin giggled.

Brown eyes just glared at the fourteen year old, “Shut it. I just have plans tonight.”

Dustin grinned, “With a girl? Oh, who is it? Is it Robin?!”

Steve snorted, “Definitely not Robin, dude.”

At some point, Steve wasn’t entirely sure, him and Robin agreed to keep their sexualities private. Not that they were ashamed or anything, but everything was just too much at the moment. With the night of Star Court, and AIDS currently spreading through the community like wildfire. It just wasn’t a safe period in time for them and it was okay. Besides, what the kids didn’t know wouldn’t hurt them.

“Well, it can’t be anyone else,” Dustin argued. 

Steve had his mouth open, finger pointed at the younger kid when the door chimed. He looked up and saw the man of his dreams. Billy Hargrove in a red button-up shirt and the tightest jeans in all of Hawkins. His hair had been tamed and the curls were tighter from a recent shower, if Steve were to guess. There he stood, in all his glory, a lazy smirk on his face and an eyebrow cocked. Before he could catch himself, Steve melted at just the sight of this beautiful person.

Dustin, being observant as usual, quickly turned to see who Steve was gushing over. He wrinkled his nose and turned back to his friend, “That’s Hargrove! His hair’s a little longer, but he’s still a dude!”

Steve quickly gather himself and trained his face to stay straight, “I know that. Just saw that he had showered for once.”

Billy’s nostrils flared and he took his time traipsing to the desk. He gave them both a small, menacing smile, “Listen, kid, you wish I was a girl. And Harrington, you shouldn’t say that about your ride home.” 

“Ride home?! But he’s awful, Steve! I mean c’mon my mom can give you a ride,” Dustin exclaimed.

Steve rubbed his hand over his face, “Dusty, bro. It’s fine. Sometimes you gotta spend time with someone you’re own age. Hargrove’s chill now, y’know, un-flayed and all.”

Bright blue eyes were as wide as saucers, staring between the two older boys in disbelief. He couldn’t grasp that Steve Harrington and Billy Hargrove were spending time together. Dustin’s mouth kept opening and closing, truly speechless for once. Before he had a chance to make another comment about the odd pair, Billy had maneuvered himself around the counter. His eyes ran over Steve’s figure, a smirk tugging at his red lips.

“Cool, cool. I get it, I’m not old enough,” Dustin whined.

Steve’s brow creased and he grabbed the bridge of his nose, “Dude, you’re the best. I just need someone my age to just talk to, y’know? You have Will, Lucas, and Mike. Let me have Hargrove.”

The blonde haired boy perked at his surname and kept that phrase replaying in his head. He let his mind drift and wonder what all Steve likes. Billy’s stomach fluttered at the thought of the bright boy with messy brown locks calling him his. Even though he was absolutely gone on the inside, Billy made sure his out exterior was trained to keep up his cocky appearance. This helped him with his mild day dreams and moments of weakness, he guesses he can thank Neil for that. Only years of mistreatment that was caused by the slightest form of indifference could teach someone how to remain cold on the outside. 

Soon enough he saw Dustin leaving and Steve grabbing his wallet and house key. That brought his attention back to the present and Billy gave him a smile and walked in front of the older boy, fingers already tracing over a cigarette in his pocket. He lit it as soon as he was outside and Steve wasn’t behind him so it wouldn’t hit him in the face. The brown haired boy watched him closely and Billy just gave him a sly wink, “Let’s go.”

Steve gulped a breath because here he goes with Hargrove. He isn’t sure what to expect, but he eases into the passenger seat of Billy’s car watching the other boy carefully. The sun was hitting his face and orange shone around the silhouette of the younger boy. His smoke curled around his fingers and through the air, out of the window. Steve just watched in awe as Billy seemed to be almost god-like in that moment. Orange touching his tan skin, mixing into a golden tone, the sky tapering off into a mix yellows, pinks, and purples set the background. He looked like art and Steve didn’t know how to breathe. The air ran thin as Billy puffed on his cigarette and threw Steve a sidelong glance. 

“What?” Billy asked, an edge to his tone.

Brown eyes snapped down, “Nothing, just thinking.”

“Alright, let’s go then,” Billy murmured past his cigarette.

The ride was surreal as Steve’s eyes roamed the car. All of the trees blurred together and he felt as if he were staring into his own mind. Everything was muddled, confused, and taught for him. Part of him was aching to reach out for Billy and tell him about the sleepless nights. He was going on day three of no sleep, but he wasn’t concerned. If it hadn’t taken him down yet, then he could last a bit longer. Only for Billy, but no one had to know that. It was quiet, but far from  
uncomfortable as Steve studied everything in sight.

“So,” Billy began, gathering the attention of the doe eyes to his right, “How was work?”

Steve picked at his nails, “Fine. We were slow at the end, which sucks because it made it feel like forever.”

“Yeah,” Billy murmured. He eased his way into his driveway and parked. The house seemed almost yellow from the sun beams bouncing off of its planks. Steve unbuckled and eased himself out of the car, and he felt nervous.

“You alright, Hargrove?” Steve asked.

Billy snorted, picking his house key out of his key ring, “Define alright, Harrington.” He paced to his house and opened the door, moving for Steve to follow him inside. 

Steve let out a sigh, “I honestly don’t know anymore, and I’m guessing you feel the same.”

Blue eyes darted around the living room, fingers tapping against denim, “Let’s go to my room.”

“Alright,” the older boy agreed. 

The house was quiet, only filled with the noises of their shoes squeaking against stairs. Creaks from the stairs followed them upward until they came face to face with a door. This is the door that Steve has dreamt about and it’s leading him into a place of reverence. A place that Billy is himself and he cherishes it. Not outwardly, but he takes a note for himself to soak it in as much as possible. He follows closely and the room was in front of him. 

Billy laid back on the bed and watched Steve’s face as he took in his room. The first thing he noticed was Steve’s eyes tracing over his mother’s curtains and then to the shag rug on his floor. Brown eyes seemed to be filled with awe as he took slow steps around the room, the only noise that occurred. Steve let his fingers drag against the records that were stacked into the corner of the room. Then he sat at the edge of the bed, lacing his fingers, and propping himself on his knees. 

With a sigh, Steve leaned back on the bed, “Talk.”

Gulping a breath, “So, you know,” Billy grabbed his neck, “Star Court was fucked.”

“Yeah, that’s one way to put it,” Steve let out a humorless laugh.

“Well, Susan’s got me going to a shrink, or whatever,” Billy rolled his eyes, standing up to walk to his window. He was already itching for a cigarette and he knew that this would be more difficult without one. Steve just nodded, trying to keep Billy talking to him.

Lighting his cigarette, he took in a breath, “Well, I talked about you.” Steve’s mind stayed caught on this phrase of Billy talking about him and it made his heart soar with the smoke pouring from the other boy’s mouth.

“So, I told her how I just wanted someone who really understood or whatever,” he rubbed his face and groaned, “Sorry, this is just hard. I don’t do…this.”

Steve gave him a weak smile and walked to the window, “It’s alright. No rush, dude.”

“Anyway, you know, I’d told her about everyone who had been there that night. You were one of them, obviously. So, she told me to talk to you, that you sounded…perfect for…me to…talk to,” Billy ground out and took a long drag of smoke.

A small smile graced Steve’s lips, arms folded as he leaned against the frame across from Billy, “Well, that’s nice of her to say and for you to actually act on it, or whatever.”

Billy just looked off to the side, blue eyes shimmering from the fading sunshine, smoke billowing past him. His face was creased with concentration as he kept taking steady hits of his cigarette. Steve glanced down and saw a slight tremor in the boy’s hand, and he gulped a breath. This was uncharted waters that both had been in for the same amount of time and Billy was drowning already. He’ll be damned if he lets the other live under the guise that he’s alone. 

Steve cleared his throat, “I don’t sleep.” Blue eyes shot to him and eyebrows raised, looking as if they expected more. 

“I haven’t had any sleep in the past three days, and I’m fucking exhausted, to say the least. Every night I try to lay down, but my mind stays on and it replays that night. It plays what could have happened and what did,” Steve confessed, chest aching from the relief.

Billy’s eyes were full of pity, “Insomnia.”

“What?” Steve asked.

He looked down and lit another cigarette, “That’s what Julie calls it. Barely sleeping or waking up a lot, insomnia. I have it.”

The world was crashing around Steve at the thought of this beautiful boy not sleeping. Staying up into the small hours and driving himself insane with the past. He clenched his jaw and looked away. It seemed so cruel for him to have to go through the after shocks after he was already mind-flayed. His brown eyes traced over Billy’s figure and he saw it in him. He saw himself in the other boy. Sagging of his shoulders, coupled with red-rimmed and baggy eyes. His dull skin and rumpled hair. 

“It fucking sucks,” Steve breathed, pushing past this feeling that made him feel as if his ribs were broken. It felt as if someone had began excavating in the deepest parts of him and he felt too weak to stop it.

“Yeah,” Billy laughed, “It’s what I get, Harrington.”

Brown eyes darkened with confusion, “What do you mean?”

A snort left Billy, “You know, I was a piece of shit, still am. My dad didn’t let me forget it and now my fucking memories won’t. Don’t play dumb, it’s not a good look on you.”

Steve frowned, “Don’t get me wrong, you were kind of a douche, but you aren’t anymore. Besides, you got mind-flayed and didn’t know—“

“Shut it, Harrington. Julie already tells me, but that’s just because she’s paid to do that,” Billy snapped.

His frown deepened, “No, you shut it, Hargrove. Whatever the fuck your dad said was bullshit and you didn’t deserve it. Star Court? Was easily one of the worst goddamn nights of our lives, but you don’t get to walk around and act like it’s your fault. If it really was then we wouldn’t have saved you. So, maybe shut the fuck up and get out of your goddamn head.”

Billy’s blue eyes were wide in shock and his cigarette was paused right before his lips, “Who knew you had it in you, pretty boy.”

Steve’s shoulders fell back, “Oh my god, you’re missing the point.”

“No, I got it. I’m just tired of talking about it, tell me about you,” Billy offered him a gentle smile. 

His brain short-circuited because Billy Fucking Hargrove wants to know about him and he doesn’t remember anything about himself now. The dreamy smile wiped his mind of anything that didn’t handle Billy Hargrove. Mouth flapping open and close much like a fish out of water, Steve was scrambling for anything other than calling Billy gorgeous.

“C’mon,” Billy moaned, taking an inhale of smoke, “What’s up with you driving at three in the morning?”

Steve blushed, turning away, “I didn’t, uh, realize you knew. It’s been my thing for a few weeks now, but, um, it’s just easier to ride around and think. Or not think, you know, which ever happens. It’s my dad’s car and he doesn’t know, but yeah like, it just gives me something to do other than lay in my room.”

Blue eyes studied Steve’s face, “Well, if you ever need someone to ride with you, then I’m here. God knows I’m up until five about every morning just to wake back up at nine.”

This kind of offer wasn’t something that Steve was expecting, “Oh, uh, yeah. We could, but it isn’t weird for you?”

Billy let out a genuine laugh and wandered back to his bed, “I picked you up from work and now you’re in my room. If that isn’t weird then I think us riding together to chill isn’t either.”

“Okay, then sure,” Steve mumbled around the finger tugging at his lips. He laid down on the bed and stared at the ceiling, hearing the bed making light creaks as Billy laid against the wall and looked down to the older boy. The room seemed to take on a different aura between the two of them and Steve tensed. There he was laying in bed with his crush and talking about how deeply warped his psyche has become in the past weeks. Even through all of this he couldn’t help, but to entertain the thought of being even closer with Billy. Close with their lips, with their hands, with their—

“What is it, Harrington,” Billy rasped out, his hand tangled in his blonde mop, eyes blank as they were unfocused ahead.

Steve gulped, “Nothing.”

The bed squeaked as Billy laid down beside him, there was at least a foot in between them. Steve couldn’t help, but turn on his side to look at the boy. None of this was expected, this softer side to Billy and no arguing. This was probably the longest they’d gone without dispute. Maybe Robin can pen this one under ‘You Rule’ and the thought of that made him giggle. 

Billy’s hair was splayed beneath him on his pillow and the remnants of sunlight made him glow. His skin was smooth, his blue eyes were darker, and his hair surrounded him like a halo. Steve could barely breathe as he looked over the boy who drives him mad, the boy of his dreams. White teeth peeked out from beneath the cherry red lips that Steve craved, and then that tempting tongue traced those lips. Blonde brows arched, ever so slightly, “What?”

Steve blushed and looked away, “Nothing. Something dumb. Anyway, what else has your therapist recommended to you?”

“Shit like talking about ‘the events that occured’ or whatever,” Billy’s face wrinkled in disgust as he put air quotes around Julie’s words.

He ran a heavy hand over his face, “Then she talked about how I need ‘physical reassurance’ because I haven’t let anyone touch me, really since Star Court. She said I could be touch-starved or something, I don’t know.”

Steve frowned, “That sounds kinda scary, dude. But now that you bring it up, I think that Robin’s the only person I’ve actually touched.”

Billy’s body went stiff and he rolled onto his back, “Oh, y’all are a thing then?”

An unflattering snort left the older boy, “That’s the furthest thing from us. Just close friends and by touch I mean sometimes she shoves me around or fucks up my hair.”

Relaxing back into the bed, “Oh, so you don’t kiss or anything?”

Steve laughed, “No, no kissing Robin. I don’t think I’ve kissed anyone since Nancy, actually.”

Billy rolled back over, “Really? That’s been like a year, Harrington. What’s got you slacking?”

“Uh,” Steve rubbed his neck, “It’s complicated.”

The air went tense again and Steve tried to calm his racing heart. He couldn’t believe Billy Hargrove was asking him about kissing and he wasn’t sure what to do anymore. Obviously, he rolled onto his side and stared into Billy’s eyes, both offering nervous smiles. Suddenly, the room was darker and the sun had set. In a matter of minutes the street light would be on and filtering through the lace curtains. Steve sucked in a quick breath and studied what he could of Billy.

The room was so quiet and Billy could hear his heart racing. He just wanted to ask to kiss or hold Steve, because goddamn he was the only person he wanted. Instead he just licked his lips, anxiously, and asked another question. 

“Harrington, what do you think of—“ his voice caught in his throat. Billy couldn’t say it, the one word that scared him more than anything

“Think of what?” Steve asked oh-so-innocently.

Billy licked his lips, “What do you think of boys, who uh, kiss boys?” His entire body felt as if it were on fire and he couldn’t believe he’d actually asked that.

“I think it’s good. Boys who kiss boys are good,” Steve reassured.

Billy started shaking because he had never said anything like that out loud. He certainly had never heard someone call it ‘good’ and not something derogatory. Neil had always called him a faggot, a poof, a queer, or a homo. Slurs were anything but unfamiliar. Although he is aware that his father is not present, he couldn’t help from cowering away from Steve. He was waiting for the first strike, the first taunt, the first move. 

He felt a warm, gentle hand caress his bicep, “Billy? You alright?”

Billy’s eyes had gathered tears and his breathing was labored, “I don’t know.”

“You wanna hug?” Steve offered in a small voice.

He drew in a stuttering breath, “I think so, but what if I freak out? What if I hurt you?”

“It’s alright, I know you won’t mean it,” he tried to dispel the bad thoughts.

Billy nodded, stiffly, “Okay, alright. I’m sorry.”

Steve reached out, wrapping an arm over Billy’s shoulder, and closing the distance between them. He felt the younger boy stiffen, but he just wrapped his arms around him. Fingers threaded through the tangled mullet atop the scared boy’s head and held him gently. He could feel the small tremors and hear the whimpers, but kept staring ahead. This wasn’t really for him, and he knew that as Billy trembled in his embrace. 

His thoughts were disrupted when he heard Billy mumbling something into his chest, fingers digging into his back. 

“What?” Steve asked.

Billy pulled his head back from Steve’s chest, “I’m not a faggot, I swear.”

It felt like a stab into his heart, such a small voice for someone so big and bold, and the words were so fierce. Something that Steve was sure that Billy had told himself more often than not, in moments where his sexuality was up for debate. These were words that he had heard and repeated until he began to realize that he was okay. He isn’t bad for liking boys like he likes girls, but Billy isn’t there, yet. Anger lit his veins at the thought of this poor boy lying to himself about the wonderful love he holds. 

“I’m not a queer,” Billy cried. His whole body shook as tears raced down his face.

Steve rubbed his back and pressed his face into his hair, “Alright.”

“I swear I’m not, Harrington,” Billy sobbed.

His vision became blurry as tears came, “I believe you, Hargrove.”

“No, you don’t. You never do,” Billy spat as he struggled in Steve’s hold.

Steve took in a deep breath, “Hey, hey, it’s me. Steve Harrington, pretty boy, or whatever. I’m not anyone else, okay?”

Blue eyes shone behind tears and could barely be seen in the pale light. His heart was aching for the poor boy with conflict riddling his absolute soul to the extent of this denial. Without really thinking, Steve brushed away Billy’s hair from his face, gently tucking it behind his ears. Then wiping away his tears and just mumbling sweet nothings.

“See? You’re alright,” he smiled, weakly. 

Billy sniffled and pulled away, “I need a smoke.”

Steve watched as Billy slowly stood up, and walked to the same window they’d confessed their emotions. Where they both finally admitted to someone that Star Court had taken them to a different level in their minds, and they didn’t know how to cope. He looked beautiful in the white moonbeams, lighting a cigarette and blowing out smoke. Billy Hargrove was his own genre of art and he wasn’t even aware. 

He carefully sat up on the bed, and quietly walked to the emotional boy. As if he was going to scare him away with no hope of returning. Steve stood in front of Billy, watching as he smoked and rubbed his fingers anxiously on the edge of the lace curtain nearest to himself. The action continued before he finally asked, “What’s up with the curtains?”

“They were my mom’s,” Billy mumbled, eyes glazed and far from where they were. 

Steve folded his arms, looked down at his feet, “Do you want me to go home?”

“No.”

An eyebrow raised, “What do you want me to do?”

“Stay,” Billy whispered. His mind had left him, as he was carried to past days of hiding from his father and lying to him. The brain was a funny thing as it took him to some days with his mother, when he was much smaller. The past was weighing heavy and he was confused with it just as much, if not more, with the present. Everything seemed as if it was constantly shifting, except Steve. He had been quite steady with his attitude, his personality, even his hair. The boy was a focus point for him. 

Steve’s heart started pounding because he didn’t expect this at all. Maybe he didn’t hear Billy right, though he doubts that, considering they’re the only ones in the house. He cleared his throat, “Well, I don’t have clothes, Hargrove.”

Billy’s mind seemed to clear at the mention of his surname, and he was prepared to help Steve. He finished his cigarette with one last puff and made his way across the room. In his closet were plenty of clothes, but he didn’t know what Steve liked so he just gave him a look. Hopefully the look conveyed the feelings that were too heavy on his heart, like his guilt of being mean and dismissive towards the older boy.

He opened the doors, “Whatever you wanna wear. I don’t mind.”

Steve offered him a smile, “Thanks.”

Billy gave a small twitch of his lips, “Yeah, okay.” He walked back to his bed and laid down with his arms crossed beneath his head. Steve kept making shuffling and scraping noises as he searched for clothes fit for sleeping. This made Billy feel relaxed, knowing that the taller boy isn’t running about on the roads with little to no sleep. Eventually Steve did step out, with Billy’s short, grey gym shorts tied below his belly button, and one of his old jerseys from Cali. His heart soared because, goddamn, Harrington looked better in his clothes than him. 

Steve gave him a sheepish smile, “This alright, Hargrove?”

“It’ll do, pretty boy,” Billy smirked.


	4. white flag

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello hello :) this chapter is dedicated to an absolute doll, dani, @billnsteve on tumblr! thanks for the support and enthusiasm you’ve shown me!!
> 
> pls ignore any mistakes bc i dont have a beta and im too lazy to proof read lmfao

chapter 4: white flag  
song of the chapter: white flag by clairo

The room was quiet as Steve was bundled into an afghan that Billy had swiped from the hallway closet. Nothing could be heard other than the breathing of the two scared boys. He laid still and watched Billy’s body move with each breath that he took. This moment was of another realm that Steve hadn’t really ever dreamed of or even considered. There they were wrapped in a mutual silence that was filled by thoughts bouncing through their heads. His hair felt flat as he ran his fingers through it and stared at Billy’s side of the bed. 

“Can I touch your hair?” was the question that broke their humble silence.

Steve suppressed a laugh, noting how that probably took a lot for the younger boy to ask, “Sure.”

Nimble fingers intertwined with the thick brown locks and gave them a slight tug, “Huh? It’s real.”

“Yeah,” a barking laugh shook his chest, “It’s definitely real.”

“Been wonderin’ since that’s all anyone says about you,” Billy mumbled. His hand pulled back from the coarse strands, leaving Steve craving the warmth and presence. The silence settled back over them, only for a moment, before a car passed by the house. It brought the older boy out of the world him and the other had created for themselves.

“Wait, where’s Max?” he inquired.

A sigh left Billy, “Out with Susan. She said that I could have the house for most of tonight since I have a friend over, or whatever. Not sure when they’ll be here, you mind?”

“Nah, you haven’t killed me, yet. I think we’re good,” Steve joked. 

The bed moaned as Billy stood and walked over to the window for a cigarette. He gently pushed the curtains to either side and he lit it with a match, the small fire sharpening his features for a moment. Steve followed him, while trying to pull down his shorts. He sat on the pane, staring at Billy who was facing the outside. Blue eyes seemed tired, posture stiffened, and spirit worn.

“I almost did, Harrington,” he mumbled around the filter of the scag.

Steve’s brows furrowed, “What?”

“I almost killed you,” Billy muttered, looking anywhere but the other boy.

“No, you didn’t. That was the mind-flayer, Hargrove,” he explained.

Veins popped in Billy’s hand and arm as he clenched a fist, “How can you say that? Let it go? Will was goddamn twelve years old and didn’t try to kill everyone. What’s my excuse? It’s because I’m bad, okay? I’m a piece of shit and we—“

“Hey!” Steve shouted, “You didn’t know anything. Will didn’t either, but the difference is is that he was stuck in the upside down. You were thrown around like a rag doll in some kind of purgatory. He spent most of his time in the upside down and that’s how he learned. It was like you were a puppet, being thrown in for a scene and then pulled behind stage when you weren’t needed. I’m just sorry I wasn’t there for you and it just—“

Billy sighed and puffed his cigarette angrily, “Harrington, you don’t have to be everyone’s hero and if you’re here just to ease a guilty conscience then get the fuck out. I don’t want anymore pity. I’m tired.”

Steve took a moment to look at Billy, really just look at him. The moonlight brought out the dark circles, which he swears weren’t there hours earlier in the video store. His eyes seemed deeper now, past his age and into something more. Hair seemed a bit more damaged and unkempt than just two months before now. Taking a moment to just scan his eyes over his physique, his stomach churned seeing that he had lost some muscle and fat. Suddenly, Billy looked his age with the forlorn look on his face and like he was yearning for something. His eyelashes casted shadows on his face and his lips were red, as always. The shadows made his cheekbones look gaunter and his jaw seemed sharp as if it were made of glass. He traced over the fingers encasing a cigarette and just wanted to wrap Billy in his arms. Affection was all Steve wanted to show the boy and he just couldn’t initiate it like he had dreamed.

Billy stamped out his cigarette, looking beyond exhausted, “Wanna try and sleep?”

He shrugged, “Sure. I don’t think it’s gonna work, but laying down is nice.”

Laying back down was nice because Billy was in arms reach of Steve for once and he felt safer. The presence of someone else who truly understood what he felt was almost a high. He didn’t think he would be so lucky as to have Billy pour his heart and soul to him. Steve just smiled to himself and pulled the afghan up to his chin. He hear Billy shifting slightly and letting out huffs of annoyance, so he offered what he thought would help.

“Do you want another hug?” he whispered in the static of tension between them.

Billy sniffed, “Sure, but I’m not—“

“I know,” Steve reassured. He scooted himself closer to Billy and slipped an arm underneath the younger boy’s head; the other one under his arm and over his waist. Billy relaxed and brought his left arm to wrap over Steve’s small waist, head touching the older’s collarbone. At first it was a bit awkward, Billy squirming and mumbling. Steve just stayed quiet and let the younger do what he needed to relax. It took a bit of time as anxiety was running rampant through the other and he couldn’t help, but almost sense it. Eventually, Billy did settle into the crook of Steve’s arm and quieted himself. He felt peaceful and closed his eyes, letting himself calm and only focus on the present. 

The silence had now lapsed into something calmer and soothing for the pair. Darkness didn’t seem so aloof and intimidating, now inviting with the safety of another close to them. Their breathing patterns soon slowed, bodies relaxing completely, and minds beginning to unwind. In a matter of minutes they were asleep in one another’s arms, so heavy that their dreams were nothing but black.

The night went by quickly, as Steve and Billy were wrapped in themselves. For the first time in a month both had gained the sleep they had lost, even if it were minutely. The dark turned to light and morning brought them into another scenario, filled with confusion and fear. The next day brought in a new situation, which was too stark in broad daylight, and their time ended with a silent car ride. Billy only smoked and focused on the road, while Steve thought of how he had the best sleep in his life. 

When Steve left the car he just smiled at Billy, “Later, Hargrove.”

Billy’s blue eyes were full of so many emotions that by the untrained eye — at least untrained with Billy’s eyes — he would have seemed as lacking any feeling. Steve just turned and walked to his house, almost inside when he heard a window being rolled from the car.

“Later, Harrington,” Billy called. His car easily left as Steve fell back into his reality, which was bleak without Billy.

+++++

Robin was currently sat atop the counter and eating a cherry lollipop, completely enraptured by Steve’s dramatic recount of his night. His eyes were wide with excitement, hands making large gestures, and actually seemed well-rested. She cackled as he described Billy catching him staring in the car. Steve’s chest ached because he already missed Billy in some ways and was already filled with worry. He just kept explaining his nervousness and never let on about any of their personal, mental health struggles. 

She gave him a grin, “So, did ya’ll kiss?”

Steve sputtered, “Uh, no. Definitely not. He wouldn’t even dream of that.” A blush painted his cheeks as he looked down and played with his fingers.

“You’re telling me, that Billy Hargrove, one of the most intimidating dudes around, held you. He talked to you about some shit you can’t even tell your best friend, but no kiss? Wow,” she drawled.

Brown eyes scanned the room for customers and lowered his voice, “It’s not like I didn’t try, but you can’t force it.”

Robin just gave him a half-assed nod, “Sure. But enough of your whining, have you talked to El?”

“El?” his posture morphed from unsure to protective in a second, “Is she okay? Not the Upside Down again? Listen, we still have time to—“

She shushed him, “Hey, we’re all good. Anyway, she called Mike the other day and told him how she missed everyone. He asked if you think we could load up and visit soon.”

“Wait, why didn’t he call me?” Steve pouted, he thought he had earned his right to a direct phone call.

Her blue eyes rolled, unimpressed, “He called you twice last night and you weren’t home.”

Guilt bloomed in Steve’s chest. One of his kids had called him and he wasn’t there. What if it would have been the Upside Down or the Mind-flayer? He would’ve been laid in bed with Billy, none-the-wiser, while they were risking everything. Tears sprung to his eyes, thinking of that night, because what if it hadn’t panned out to where they are. It leads him to think if any of that would have happened, would he be held accountable?

“Woah, Steve. Hey, man, chill,” was Robin’s muffled voice. He looked up to her with tears in his eyes.

A pitiful whine left his throat, “Rob, what if they needed me?”

“First of all, they didn’t. So stop with the what if’s, and second of all, you think they wouldn’t talk to Max who lives with Billy? And lastly, Steve you don’t have to save everyone. You’re killing yourself,” Robin reassured. Her hands were warm and soft as they rubbed Steve’s arms. He rubbed at his eyes and took some grounding breaths. 

Gulping another intake of air, “Listen, I know. But those are my—“ his voice broke, “They’re everything to me and I never want them to think that I wouldn’t do anything for them.”

Robin gave him a soft smile, “I know that and they do, too. Why do you think they asked you to take them to visit El?”

He sighed, “You’re right, but—“

“Steve!” a voice called. The aforementioned boy turned his head and saw his favorites standing in the store front. Mike had already gained an inch, Lucas was grinning sincere, Dustin waving enthusiastically, and Max giving him a knowing smile. He grinned and raced to them, “God, it’s so good to see you.” They all gave him individual hugs, while multiple questions were being thrown into the air.

“Why were you with Billy?”

“Did he not beat your ass?”

“Why were ya’ll in the same bed?”

“Can we go see El?”

Steve let out a hearty laugh, “Hold on, hold on! One at a time.”

Dustin took his chance after the beat of silence, “Billy didn’t beat your ass?”

“No, he—“ but he was interrupted.

“They were in the same bed!” Max announced. 

Steve felt something akin to the emotion that he had when Dustin explained kissing his girlfriend with no teeth, “We fell asleep talking.”

Lucas stepped in front of them, “Hold on, wait. You and Hargrove talked? He didn’t beat you up? And you slept in the same bed?”

Robin came around the counter, to save Steve, “It’s no big deal. They’re friends now.”

Max’s eyebrows came together in confusion, “But they were—“

“We just had a lot to talk about,” Steve explained.

Mike nodded, “Yeah, cool, but can we see El?”

Steve cheered mentally at the new subject, “Yes, on my next day off, but we’re gonna need a car. Mine died last month, remember?”

Max grinned, “Billy has a new car because of last month, y’know.”

“Oh, well, I don’t know,” Steve stumbled for words.

Robin had a sly grin, “Oh, yeah! He got that mom car with the big trunk and six seats!”

“Yeah, he just doesn’t like talking about it,” the redhead giggled.

Steve felt his chest tighten, not knowing the ground him and Billy stood, “Well, we’d have to ask Billy and—“

“Ask Billy what?” came the voice of said boy.

A blush covered Steve’s cheeks, something that happened too frequently, “Oh, uh, nothing.”

Mike huffed, “Can we take your car to see El?”

Billy’s blue eyes focused on the children and then to Robin and stopping on Steve, “Sure, we makin’ a road trip?” He gave a small shrug.

“Yes! We can bring snacks and plan a new D&D campaign for Will and tell stories and—“ Dustin was cut off by the blonde headed boy.

“Alright, motor mouth we get it,” he snapped.

Dustin pouted and Mike interjected, “Wait, why are you letting us use your car?”

“Because, we know Harrington doesn’t have shit. Hop ain’t gonna take the shitty rental he has right now, and I’m your best bet. Plus, maybe it’ll shut you up about your little girlfriend,” Billy explained, as though it were obvious.

Mike looked away, “Sorry, I just—“

Lucas interrupted Mike, “We know, we know. But were you and Steve really sharing a bed?”

Steve could have sworn his heart stopped beating, Robin’s mouth dropped, Max anxiously tugged at her hair, and Dustin seemed intrigued, along with Mike. Billy’s eyebrows raised, he propped an elbow on the counter, assessing the kid’s faces. He had to choose his face, words, and posture carefully. Anything could give him away at this moment, but he didn’t want to scare off Steve. There had to be some sort of damage control. He was just a bit above his head. 

“Wow, Max, you just can’t shut the fuck up, huh?” he sneered.

She looked at the ground, “I just, I didn’t expect it, Billy.”

He straightened his shoulders, “No one bats a goddamn eye when you and El sleep in the same bed. Don’t flip the script just for me and Harrington.”

Robin stepped between the kids and the irritable boy, “Listen, we have it all figured out now. When are you free, Billy?”

“Whenever. I don’t have a job right now,” he supplied.

Steve excitedly gave his input, “I’m off Friday and Saturday.”

Mike grinned, “Can we stay the night, you think?”

Billy and Steve made eye contact, trying to read one another. The older finally took the first move, “I mean, I’m down.”

Blue eyes almost sparkled, “Let’s do it. It’s a three hour drive, anyway. Gotta make the most of it.”

Mike threw himself at Billy, “Thank you! Thank you!”

“Get off, nerd,” he groaned.

Lucas offered his hand in a fist bump, “That’s so cool.” Billy gave him a quick bump back before heading outside to smoke. 

The rest of the group watched the blonde boy retreat outside and Steve’s eyes followed him. He wondered what was running through the other’s thoughts, and if they were anything like his own. If they could have been anxiety about being with so many people in an enclosed space for three hours, at the least. He contemplated if Billy even felt any of that and it was actually him projecting his emotions onto the younger boy. 

Steve was swept away from his array of thoughts by Mike speaking to him, “What’s it like working here?”

“It’s okay, I guess. Better than Scoops Ahoy,” Steve mumbled.

Robin took note of his change in demeanor, “What he means is that there aren’t any girls who come in that he can try to flirt with. Keyword is try.”

“Hey, I can flirt,” he bristled.

Dustin blew out a laugh, “Sure, and I have my front teeth.”

Lucas let out a loud laugh, “Damn, dude. He got you.”

Steve rolled his eyes, dramatically, “Alright, well, how are we all gonna go when there’s six seats.”

“I call the trunk so I can stretch out,” Robin grinned. 

“But that’s dangerous, Robin,” Dustin started with worry in his voice.

Max nodded in agreement, “With Billy it is.”

Mike snorted, “That’s putting it lightly.”

“Well, if he’s willing, I could drive,” Steve offered, unsure.

“And what makes you think he’d let you drive?” Robin countered.

“Yeah?” Lucas supported.

Steve gaped his mouth open, “I-I don’t know! It was just a suggestion, jeez.”

Max’s bright blue eyes seemed to burn into Steve, “I think he’d let you.”

Mike snorted, “Fat chance.”

“Look, we’ll figure it out Friday. Don’t you need to call El about this? What about the rest of you? I want permission slips from your parents, and I know your handwriting so don’t even try it,” Steve ordered.

The teenagers let out defeated groans and began filing out of the storm, leaving an uneven silence behind. Robin stared at Steve with a soft smile on her face, “Those really are your people, huh?”

“Shut up,” Steve grumbled, heading towards the back.

He sat in his chair and began rewinding the returned tapes of the day. The room was a touch too cold, hair raising on his arms, and flinching back. Suddenly, he was under bright lights and Russian was being screamed at him. Rope had his wrists bound tight and there was an aching pain wrapping across his torso and face. An emptiness crept into his chest as he thought of being trapped under Star Court again, and if that didn’t hurt. Being drugged and beaten was just on an endless in loop in his head, but he couldn’t stop it. The pain and shouts and blood were tattooed in his mind.

It felt like he couldn’t breathe, he gripped the table harshly, and he felt minutely better. Then he used both hands and squeezed the worn wood as tightly as his hands would allow. His reality came back slowly, watching The Breakfast Club rewind. The room was the same as it had always been, old carpet, boxes stacked around a small television set, and him being alone. Steve took in shallow, trembling breaths as he stared around, making sure this was real. He wiped his face, finding tears, and he sighed. This always seemed to happen at his most inopportune times. His breathing was still quite unsteady, but he continued rewinding tapes, trying to find consolation. The beige walls seemed to straighten and his heart seemed to calm as he worked. That’s how the last three and a half hours of his shift went. Him sitting quietly in the back, rewinding tapes, avoiding the past, and speaking to Robin.

Soon enough the nineteen year old was home, exhausted from a long day, his feet were heavy as he dragged them. The house had minimal noise, just the hum of a fan somewhere beyond his sight. Steve quickly showered, craving to just lay in his bed, even though Billy wouldn’t be joining him. His wet hair almost touched his shoulders, from how the water had weighed it. The bed was soft and inviting as he slipped under the duvet, rolling on his side. This was a moment Steve wanted to keep because he felt normal, almost. No anxiety was in him and he actually felt as if he could sleep. That was wishful thinking, though. 

By two in the morning he found himself on his typical route, except he had no car. His father’s business trip was considered close enough that he could drive it. Steve’s mind wouldn’t let him rest and being without a car wouldn’t stop him. Although, walking it made it seem more personal because he had no car to dash him off from the scene. Or even hide his identity from anyone wandering eyes that could be awake. His walk took him an hour for the first half, sending his kisses to Mike and Lucas’s houses. The next mile after theirs was Dustin’s and Steve sent his love as he did every time. Walking was cathartic because it made him be slow and take everything in at a different pace. It made Steve pay attention to the care people put in their lawns while others paid that energy into their homes. 

Soon enough, he was on Billy’s street completely unaware of the eighteen year old being awake. He strolled past the white house and gave it multiple glances. Thinking back to the night before where he got some of the best sleep of his life. Steve just sent the house a sad smile and walked towards the all too familiar stop sign. 

Footsteps were heard down the empty street and they echoed off the rubber soles of Billy’s converse. He had just so happened to be going for a cigarette when he noticed Harrington just walking past his house. This obviously sent him into a nervous frenzy and lead him to where he is now. Which was hurrying after the boy, and making sure he was alright.

“Harrington,” Billy hissed.

Steve turned so quickly he almost fell, “Oh my god.”

“You okay?” the blue eyed boy inquired.

Brown eyes were widened in shock, “Yeah, I just— I couldn’t sleep and no car, so I just decided to walk.”

“Jesus Christ, dude,” Billy laughed, “C’mon, we can ride in my car.”

Steve picked at his lip, “You sure?”

The cerulean eyes rolled to the sky, “Yes or I wouldn’t have said so.” He turned on his heel and strutted to the car and he could have sworn he felt Steve staring at his ass. Billy just continued walking and hoped the other could keep up with his pace of steps. They slipped into the car, Billy turning over the engine and backing out of the cracked driveway. It was quiet as they drove through the neighborhoods of Hawkins. Steve stayed quiet, until they started getting to the less populated side of their town.

“Could we go by Will’s house?” he asked in a small voice. Much smaller than the ‘King Steve’ he had been in high school. 

“We could,” Billy replied, “If you tell me why. He doesn’t live there anymore , Harrington. Kinda weird.”

Steve frowned, “When I miss Will a lot, or have bad days I go there to, like, reflect or some shit.”

“Was today bad?”

He only offered a shrug, “Yeah.”

“Okay,” Billy replied. He desperately wanted to know what made it bad, but instead he just drove to the old Byers’ house. Desperately, he thought of one day, Steve confiding in him on his bad days. Billy will take what he can get of the other, so he decides tonight is not the night to push it.

The gravel crunched under the wheels of the vehicle as they approached the old home. Billy’s heart pounded because he remembered beating Steve to a pulp here. Guilt found its home in his stomach again because why would Steve ever speak to him. Let alone ride in a car with him, sleep with him, and listen to his problems. It just didn’t make any sense to Billy.

When he put the car in park, Billy took a steadying breath, “Why do you even talk to me, Harrington? I’m a bad person and I don’t even deserve to be alive right now.”

Steve had his head laid against the headrest, and his pale neck was on display as he faced the Californian. His neck bobbed and he offered a small smile, “There’s bad people and there’s good people. That doesn’t mean bad people can’t do good things and good people can’t do bad things. What I saw you do for El that night in Star Court was beyond good, you were entirely selfless. I know you don’t see it like that right now, but you will.”

Billy felt the air leave him as he stared at the older boy. He had never had someone say anything like that to him and it made his whole body shake. Before he had time to process anything else, he felt Steve’s warm hand wrapped around his and give it a firm squeeze. He just leaned against the seat as well, reminiscing on easier days before the mind-flayer. Billy could have even entertained some thoughts of him and Steve. Except, no one would know other than him.


	5. no one knows the pain like you did

chapter five: no one knows the pain like you did  
song of the chapter: old friends by grayscale

The drive to Davenport, Indiana with seven teenagers squeezed into a six-seater car was hellacious, at best. Steve’s head was pounding as he heard Dustin dissecting Ghostbusters and Mike arguing with him at every turn. Lucas was throwing in whatever he had to offer every so often, but mostly quiet. Thankfully, Max was tucked in between the two oldest boys while she read a book. Her head was currently resting on Steve’s bicep. In the trunk—an open trunk—was Robin nestled away and sleeping. It could have been described peacefully if she wasn’t constantly twitching and mumbling.

Steve took this moment to stare at Billy, whose hand was gripping the steering wheel, and a cigarette in his left hand. Blue eyes seemed hard as they concentrated on the road. He puffed his cigarette steadily, and only keeping his eyes between the yellow and white lines. His jaw was clenched and blonde hair being ruffled by the wind slipping through the crack of the window. It almost felt as if the older boy’s heart skipped a beat as he admired the other. Steve just laid his head back on the glass and let out a soft sigh. He felt heavy because all he wanted was to spend all of his time with Billy, but he recognizes that that can only be a want. It would be terribly unhealthy to spend a majority of his time with him. Although, he couldn’t help thinking of holding Billy, talking to him, laughing with him, or even kissing him. Butterflies filled his stomach from even toying around with the thought of being that close with Billy.

Fortunately they did arrive at the Byers’/Hopper’s household in the next few minutes and soon the car was filled with many emotions. Ranging from anxiety to fear to excitement. Before the car even made it to park, Mike had already leapt out of the side, searching for El. Steve eased himself out of the car, stretching and groaning in relief. Max hurried out and followed Mike’s footsteps, much like Lucas and Dustin. A groan was heard and Steve turned his attention to Robin crawling out of the backseat and falling into the floorboard. 

Billy laughed, “Damn, Rob. I coulda opened the trunk for you.”

“I don’t need a man,” she huffed. 

Steve let out a snort, “I do.” He froze, realizing his slip, but saw Billy just locking the car. Robin’s blue eyes widened as she made a cut throat motion.

Billy looked them both over and headed towards the house. It was already filled with boisterous laughter and conversations that it seemed they wouldn’t be able to squeeze themselves into it. All of the kids were milling about and talking so fast that there wasn’t a chance of them keeping up. They did manage to rest because Joyce saw their tired eyes and offered the three teens the parlor of their new home. Riding for three hours straight with no breaks and having four young teenagers in the car will exhaust anyone. The trio gave her hugs and thanks as the retired into the calmer room. He felt anxious as he rested himself on the beige couch and studied the room. The air was stiff in the room as he heard the muffled laughs from two rooms away. Robin was already asleep in a recliner, quilt covering her body, and faced the wall. 

“Why’s she so tired?” Billy questioned.

Steve shrugged, “I don’t know. Sometimes she doesn’t sleep well, I guess.”

He kicked off his shoes and crosses his ankles, “Don’t we all?”

A snort left the pale boy, “You could say that again.”

Silence wrapped the air between the teenagers as they sat and studied the room. Billy gnawed on his lower lip while assessing the bookcase and then toeing his way across the white, fur rug. He began tracing his fingers over the spines and reading the titles. Some of them tug at his memories from high school, which shouldn’t seem as faded as they are, but that’s what happens with trauma. Billy pulled out The Great Gatsby and folded his legs underneath him, quietly immersing himself in another world. He stayed on the floor and enjoyed not worrying about Hawkins or the past that was left over that town. It was a beautiful opportunity that granted him some sort of peace. 

At least it was until the kids barged into the room, a cacophony of excitement. Billy rolled his eyes and looked up to them when he felt the air rush out of his lungs. Deep brown eyes were staring at him with an intensity he hadn’t seen since the night of Star Court. Those were the same eyes that had dug their way into his most precious moments and memories. The girl who held them was the reason he was alive and breathing. He risked his life for her and hadn’t seen her since he had faded into black. It felt surreal because her eyes were saying so much to him, but her face wasn’t letting on as if she felt much of anything. This struck Billy because he was the same. He knew he could control his face and place it to a stoney expression, but eyes will always give someone away. His heart strings tugged at the thought of this precious girl who might have learned the same things as him.

Billy left the book discarded on the floor as he stood to his full height. El stepped forward to him and the conversations around them tapered off as they all watched the interaction unfold. She turned her face up towards his and he held his arms in an awkward position for her. Tiny arms made their way around his waist as he held her head with his hand, and cradled her to his chest. Billy closed his eyes and felt an almost forgotten emotion wash over him, relief. Seeing her after her abrupt move with Jane, Will, Jonathan, and Hopper and knowing that she was fine settled something deep in him. El pulled back and gave him a small smile. 

The room fell back in overlapping conversations as El migrated back to Max, giggling over their boyfriends. He could feel eyes boring into him and Steve was sitting on the couch looking lost, per the norm. Billy eased himself on the furniture and looked around him. It all seemed normal with all the laughter and talking, but he kept looking. He couldn’t help but notice how El hadn’t said a word and just leaned on Mike. Lucas kept his hands fluttering across his arms or Max’s if she was close, always trying to keep something in contact. While Dustin appeared to not have changed, Billy noticed he had, the younger boy kept tugging incessantly at a curl on his neck. Mike kept his fingers pressed into his lips or teeth, gripping them until they faded to white. Even while she laughed, Max’s eyes flitted around the room, almost as if she wasn’t sure what was coming next. Steve was already known for his insomnia and ever present fear, but he happened to take on the habit of rubbing his palms on his jeans.

Billy’s chest tightened because he saw it. He saw their new tics and mannerisms that stemmed from the night of Star Court. Not even entirely sure if they had taken notice, but he did. Air became thin as he panted. He had to get out of there. Right Now. He had hurt them all. Why was he here? Why did El even hug him? He is awful and bad. 

“Billy, you need a smoke?” Steve’s voice echoed from somewhere. 

Blue eyes peered up into pitiful brown ones, “Uh, y-yeah.”

He scrambled from the couch and hurried out of the front door, seeking a break from the overstimulation. The thick air hit him like a freight train. Everything seemed to realign as he watched the sun above and heard the trees rustling in the humid breeze. Billy’s hands were shaking as he grabbed a cigarette and struggled to light it. Steve’s footsteps were heard and soon he was lighting the shaking boy’s cigarette.

Billy heaved a breath, “Fuck.”

“What happened? You okay?” Steve asked, hesitation evident in his voice. 

Taking another drag of his cigarette, “Yeah, yeah.” Smoke poured from his lips and he felt guilt wrap around his lungs. He grunted and kicked at the ground, “No. I’m not.” Dust floated around their feet as Billy kicked at it harshly.

Steve let out a short laugh, “Yeah, I can tell. Now spill, Hargrove. What happened?”

“Hey, just because we, like, bonded or whatever. It doesn’t mean you get to know what I’m thinking all the time or feeling,” Billy sneered. 

He looked down at the ground defeated, “Yeah, sorry.” Steve turned on his heel and trudged back to the house. Billy felt even more guilt snake its way into him and he let out a heavy sigh, “It’s my fault.”

Steve stopped, not turning back, “What is?”

“This. All of this. El and them moving here. All of you doing you weird stuff,” Billy mumbled around his cigarette.

He turned back the smoker, “Excuse me? Wanna explain that one, Hargrove?”

“C’mon, y’know. El doesn’t talk at all, at least I haven’t heard her. Dustin tugs at his hair and Lucas is always having to touch something. Mike had his fingers pressed too tight and Max’s eyes are always looking around. That came from me and what I did! Or do you not remember Star Court?” Billy spat.

Steve bristled at the last comment, “Hey, can you chill? You didn’t do shit—“

“Yes, I fucking did. I killed people and I—“

“No, you didn’t! You were basically possessed and you didn’t—“

“Stop making excuses!” Billy yelled.

Steve let out an undignified yelp, “Excuses? Dude, you weren’t even conscious for most of it and—“

“I still remember it! I still remember killing people and what it sounded like and what it looked like and what it—“ Billy was cut off by a choking sob. He turned his back to the brown-eyes boy and pressed a fist into his eye.

The crunch of gravel was heard and a hesitant hand wrapped itself on his shoulder, “You’re alright. I don’t know how those things feel, but if you feel like this after all that then you obviously hated it.”

“Sure, that’s one way to put it,” Billy muttered. He took in a deep breath and looked to the pale blue sky.

Steve squeezed his shoulder and let it fall, “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t give me pity,” he snapped. 

The air was tense and unpredictable with Billy’s unsteady waves of emotion. Steve just stepped away and turned to see that Joyce was staring at then from the window. He scratched the back of his hand and looked towards the gorgeous Californian, heart aching for him.

“I’m not. It’s just we’re all struggling with it so why not together?” Steve managed to say past his almost tears. Seeing Billy practically blaming everything on himself was overwhelmingly painful because he just didn’t know everything like them. 

Billy side-eyed him, “Sure, Harrington. If that’s what ya wanna think.”

“Why are you so stubborn? People are trying to help, so maybe stop with the hot and cold thing, dude,” Steve remarked before walking back inside. 

The air still felt tight as Billy stamped out his cigarette and followed Steve into this house. Everyone had gathered in the kitchen and were currently eating snacks that Joyce had made. After looking over the room, again, Steve noticed Mike and El were missing. Not much of a surprise because he was almost positive they were… catching up. He shivered in disgust, but still reached out for a cookie. Robin walked in the room, yawning loudly and sitting down just to lay her head back on the table.

Steve laughed and patted her back, “At least get a cookie, Rob.” The previously mentioned girl slapped her hand on the table and felt out the wood until she found the plate holding the sweets. Billy snorted at her antics, but turned his attention back to the older woman.

“Steve, how are you?” Joyce asked in her soothing voice.

Brown eyes widened, minutely, “I’m alright, Joyce. How are you?”

She gave him a sad smile, full of pity, “I’m okay. Just been a lot with moving and readjusting.” There was a beat of silence before she turned her attention the blonde boy.

“Billy? How are you?” she asked, even softer.

Billy gave her a large, award-winning smile, “Doing just fine, Ms. Byers. Did ya need help with rearranging anything?”

She just gave him a sad smile, “No, I think Hop’s got it.” As her sentence came to an end, Chief Hopper coincidentally walked in and seemed sullen.

Steve nodded at the older man, “Hopper.”

“Harrington,” he grunted, eyes shifting to Billy, “Hargrove?”

Billy’s blue eyes flashed in fear, “Jesus, Hargrove. You really made it out? Thank god.” He strode to the younger boy and wrapped him in a hug.

“You daughter is one hell of a person,” Billy remarked.

Hopper let out a deep laugh, “You’re goddamn right. How’s your dad?”

Billy froze, the air suddenly evaporated from his lungs, “Oh, uh—“

“Neil isn’t around, so all Billy has to worry about are Susan and Max,” Steve explained.

The policeman nodded, “Fair enough.”

Silence stretched in between the two uncomfortable men, until a noise was heard. Something similar to a lamp crashing to the floor and before he could hesitate, Billy rushed. He rushed to the noise and opened a door down the hall, and it revealed El and Mike on the floor. Their faces were flushed and suddenly El scrambled from Mike and onto the bed for Hopper made it to the door. The youngest boy’s face was flushed red and looked to his feet. Hopper let out a sigh, and a mumble of something about three inches. 

Mike gave a nervous grin, “Sorry, I’m just clumsy.”

Billy’s eyebrow ticked up, “Sure, just keep my girl safe, Wheeler.”

Mike’s brown eyes seemed to harden, “What?”

“Oh, c’mon, she’s done a lot for me. Besides, I have a crush and they are definitely not seventeen,” Billy laughed. El’s eyes flitted between them, filled with worry. A pale hand wrapped around hers and Mike squeezed it. She kept looking to Billy and it felt like she knew something she shouldn’t. His stomach rolled with fear and he just left them with a nod.

Billy left the door cracked open and he almost let out an out-of-character yelp as he came face to face with Joyce Byers. Her dark eyes seemed full of sorrow and pain as she reached out to his hand. There hadn’t ever really been a reason for Billy not to trust Joyce. Her presence had always been comforting and calm, never out of spite. He let her hold it as she lead him to a quieter place in the household. It was a small room tucked in the back of the hallway, more than likely an office. He studied the pictures and books lining the walls when he was pulled back to reality. 

She sat on a stool, beside a window, and cleared her throat, “Billy, I know you aren’t well. Which is fine, but I’m just worried. Do you need to talk about something?”

His throat felt dry, he traced his lips with his tongue, “What’s there to talk about? The worst night of my life?”

“Do you want to?” she offered.

Billy glanced away, “Nah, I’ve already talked that down with a couple people. I’m working on it.”

Joyce gave him a smile, “That’s fine. What else do you wanna talk about?”

“Nothin’, I guess,” Billy shrugged, disinterested.

She just looked at her fingers, “Are you sure, Billy?”

He suddenly felt something shift, like he had to get it out of him. Resolve was crumbling as he made an abrupt decision, “I have a crush.”

“Really? Tell me about her,” Joyce grinned.

Billy felt a knot form in his stomach, “Well, I would, but uh…” his voice trailed.

“What is it?”

“Miss Byers, what if my crush wasn’t a girl?” he asked in a small voice. He barely even heard himself as he voiced the thought.

She kept a calm demeanor, “Would you wanna tell me about him?”

Panic struck through his veins and his hands started shaking, “I don’t think I can. I just wanted someone’s reaction, I guess.” This was a conversation he had never imagined he could have and now that it’s here he wanted to run. Just the admission of his crush being anything other than a girl gave him more adrenaline than a fight. That was more than enough shared and he couldn’t imagine he could tell her anything more. 

“That’s alright, honey. Is there anything else?” she inquired. 

Billy just shook his head fervently, “Nah, I’m goin’ for a smoke.” He sped out of the room, desperate to get out of the room and away from anyone. The kitchen was full of voices and giggles, everyone enveloped in conversation that Billy passed through the room without so much as a look spared to him. Thankful for it, he went to his car and sat. He settled himself into the driver’s seat and pulled out a cigarette, placing it between his lips. 

The house was long and short. Roof slanted so that even the ceiling in the house was at an angle. He studied the firm yellow-white paint that were a broad contrast from the blue shutters. No porch was attached to the front, just a small piece of smoothed cement before the doorway. Billy kept taking in the details, studying the new house because he needed a distraction. His heart was racing because why did he tell Joyce that he like a boy? Questions clawed at his brain as he asked himself why he would do such a thing. 

Billy knows he likes boys and he knows what boy he likes more than all the rest. He’s aware that said boy couldn’t like him back because why would Steve do that? The Californian was always so cold and mean to the older boy until two weeks ago. Maybe Steve just talks to him out of pity or because he wants something. Billy wasn’t entirely sure, but he knew it couldn’t be good. Although, sometimes he likes to entertain the thought of Steve being his. Where they hold hands and kiss and laugh and be. That always made his heart swell. 

He looked into the large window at left of the house and saw the group gathered. Robin was propped on her hand and just nodding along with whatever was being said. Joyce had her hands on the back of Will’s chair as her youngest son was animatedly telling a story, something from D&D, no doubt. Mike and El had finally rejoined, only for Mike’s arm to be wrapped around the quiet girl. It seemed as if he was whispering things to make her smile. Billy’s eyes drifted to the other side of the room and saw Lucas grinning at Will’s story and Max staring at him. He snorted because she was hopeless at hiding her fondness for the boy. Then Dustin was devouring everything he could as he kept gesturing towards Will and laughing. He smiled softly at the scene in front of him. They deserved the happiness. Before he could keep pondering on them he noticed that Steve had folded himself into the corner and seemed sorrowful. The boy’s brown eyes seemed tired and worn, Billy didn’t like that. He only deserved smiling and laughing like the rest.

Steve was pressed into the wall and listened to the boisterous kitchen. Everyone was chatting or laughing, and all he could think of was the noise. It was so overwhelming and he just kept hearing the underground labyrinth. Where the sirens and yelling happened. That was when he was drugged and tortured for an answer he didn’t have. His headaches had finally eased up only a week or so ago. He squinted his eyes as it became harder to see, heart beat climbing. Steve took in a calming breath as he prepared himself to ask Joyce to show him where he was sleeping. 

“Ya don’t look good, pretty boy,” he heard a voice mumble into his ear. 

Steve tensed and looked to see Billy’s blue eyes boring into him, “Uh, what?”

“Hey, Miss Byers?” Billy’s voice cut above the rest, a charming smile on his lips, “Where are we gonna stay? I think Stevie here needs to lay down.”

Joyce smiled back at Billy, “Oh, c’mere I’ll show you.” She turned and lead them down the hall and across from the office. The door opened to reveal an immaculate room that had all sorts of posters decorating the walls.

“This is Jonathan’s room, but he’s gone to touring colleges this weekend. You can sleep here if you like. I have pillows and blankets to make a palette on the floor,” she offered. 

“Let me know if you need anything!” she called as she ambled towards the kitchen.

The room became tense and Steve’s chest hurt. He walked to the bed and laid on it carefully. Toeing his shoes off and wrapping his arms around himself. Creaks were made from the wooden floor as Billy shuffled to the bed. Steve laid on the bed, attempting to hold his tears back. Everything felt as if it was caving in on top of him and he was back at that night of Star Court. It felt as if he was watching his kids fighting for their lives all over again and watching Billy be on the brink of death. The chill of the mind-flayer felt as if it was actually there with him and he started shivering. 

He felt the bed dip and heard Billy’s cautious tone, “You okay?”

Steve trembled and let out a weak, “No, it feels like I’m there again.” He let out small sniffles as he kept having flashes of the past gouge his mind.

“Hey, we aren’t there. We’re three hours away, remember the car ride? Your kids talked our ears off the whole way, Harrington. And didn’t you see Mike with El, he’s glowing. We aren’t there, alright?” Billy soothed.

Steve thought about Billy’s words, and started taking deep breaths. He thought of how all the kids were so excited they barely slept the night before they came. Dustin had been so excited he stayed the night on Steve’s couch. Which, lead to Lucas, Mike, and Robin becoming jealous of the curly-headed boy. He smiled at the thought of all of them bickering amongst each other over who Steve favors the most. Steve’s heart ached at the thought of El, who hadn’t said one word to anyone since Star Court. She had blocked herself off and it sat wrong with Steve. He couldn’t imagine why she would stop talking to her family, but maybe Mike will know. Soon enough he felt his chest ease from the distraction of thinking of his kids. 

He looked around the room and reassured himself that he wasn’t in danger. No Russians were around to hurt him and he was stone-cold sober. Billy was sat on the opposite corner of the bed, tracing his eyes over Steve’s face. It suddenly felt intimate in the pristine room and he felt more tears come. He can’t believe that had just happened and Billy Hargrove had taken him out of it, just so easily. 

Brown eyes blinked out tears, “Yeah, you’re right. It just felt so real.” His voice was so small and it even made him hurt for himself.

Billy gave him a sad smile, “I’ll take the floor tonight.”

Steve faced back to the other boy, “Why? I can take it or…”

“Or what?” Billy asked, eyebrow arched, almost taunting.

Teeth dug into a soft pink lip, “Or we could share the bed? Like last time?”

Both of the boy’s hearts were pounding, “Is that what you want, Harrington?”

Steve nodded, with a lazy smile, “Yeah, I guess it is.”


	6. that made you upset

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> warnings for: anxiety attacks and weed!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello :) this chapter has taken me a bit and i apologize!! i hope it is everything you all want and more!!
> 
> dedications are in order for this one!
> 
> @hxrgrove on tumblr: i know it’s been a mess here lately so i hope this gives you a little smthn good!
> 
> @billnsteve on tumblr: you’re such an angel and the absolute best to me! thank you for your support and kind words 💗
> 
> @hargroveandharrington on tumblr: you’re my fav n ilysm!! 
> 
> i thought of all three of you the whole time!!

chapter 6: that made you upset  
song of the chapter: was it something i said by mykey

Black.

It was all black and seemingly never-ending. Billy’s throat was tight as he looked around himself, and stepping forward. A splash was heard and he realized he was in an inch of water, suddenly he remembered what this was. He was mind-flayed again, and he felt tears spring to his eyes. The feeling felt familiar of when his dad would press him against a book shelf, not gibing him any room to fight back. It was was tight and tense. 

“Billy,” a whisper was heard. 

He spun around to face the noise, water splashing from beneath his feet. There he was met face-to-face with Eleven and he felt some relief as he realized it was just her. She looked as tired as he felt, dark circles rimmed beneath her dulled brown eyes. The silence stretched in between them, and Billy kept quiet while studying her eyes. That was the first word he had heard her speak since they arrived in Davenport.

“Gone,” she clipped.

Billy’s brow furrowed, “Gone?”

Eleven placed her hand over her heart, “Gone.”

Realization crashed on him as he understood what she meant, that she didn’t feel anything. His heart clenched and he took a step closer.

“You mean that, uh, ya don’t feel? Like, um, emotions?” he tried to supply the words for her.

Brown eyes held back tears, “Yes.”

Billy licked his lips and took another hesitant step forward, “El, I’m so sorry. You’re one of the few people in this world who only deserves the best of everything.” He took in a deep breath, not exactly familiar with telling someone how he cares for them. Never really had the chance for it, he recalls.

“When I was flayed, you were the only person that tried to reach out to me. You’re the only one who knows that memory, besides me and my mom,” his chest shook with unshed tears. He looked away from her and into the black surrounding them.

“You made me feel human, for what I thought, would be the last time,” the tears fell, “I haven’t been doing too hot either, kid, but uh,” he glanced to his feet. 

Eleven’s doe eyes just traced his every move as he tried to piece himself back into a calmer state. Everything felt too real and his became dizzy with the state they were both experiencing. Billy took in a harsh breath and blew it out with a whistle, “Don’t stop letting yourself feel. This shit sucks and I don’t wanna feel a lot of the time, but I remember when I was flayed. I could feel everything, but couldn’t react. Then, towards the end, I almost felt nothing. Feelings remind you of what’s important and if you lose that then nothing seems important. You’re gonna lose yourself, kid. So, talk to us, we wanna hear.”

She gave Billy a small smile and then he was back in Jonathan’s room. The air felt fresh as he took in a large inhale and saw that he was fine. Steve walked into the room, sweats clinging to his hips, sans shirt. He gave Billy a sleepy smile as he rubbed over his face and tugged on a shirt. Sunlight was slipping in between the blinds of the room and it made it all seem hazy, just a tad out of focus. He sat up and stared at Steve, studying him.

“What? Is there toothpaste on my mouth?” Steve asked, wiping at his mouth feverishly.

Billy tilted his head back and let out a laugh, “Nah, you’re good. Just slept good, you?”

“Can’t complain. I didn’t even have a dream last night,” his grin was blinding.

The mention of dreams brought Eleven to the forefront of his mind and he felt brief panic strike through him. He pulled himself out of bed, hurrying to find the younger girl until he felt a hand on his chest.

“You’re really just gonna rush out in your underwear,” Steve laughed.

Billy cast a glance over himself and saw he was in fact in his small, black briefs. A blush rose on his cheeks before he shoved Steve into the dresser, “Shut up, Harrington. Y’know you like it.”

Shoving a shirt over his head and throwing on some sweatpants, he trotted out of the room. Steve just rolled his eyes in exasperation as he watched the blonde go on his mission for whatever it was. The footsteps softly echoing down the hallway as Billy ambled toward the kitchen. White walls were muted from shadows of the house in the early morning and the carpet kept footsteps at a low. Blue eyes peeked around the corner into the kitchen and saw Hopper with Eleven, eating eggos. He stayed quiet as he looked at them. 

The sun came through lace curtains, similar to his mother’s and made it seem as if a halo surrounded Hopper’s head. Eleven just grinned at the older man, cheeks full of sugary waffles. Billy’s heart clenched as he saw the intimate moment, wishing El could have it forever. She surprised him in the next moment when she spoke.

“Good,” she smiled.

Hopper almost dropped his fork, but trained his face into staying neutral, “Thank you. It’s all the syrup you use.”

She laughed, “So?”

Billy could see a glassy film overtake Hopper’s eyes and he made his presence know, striding in the room. 

“Mornin’,” Hopper mumbled past the lip of his coffee mug.

“Mhm,” Billy mumbled, keeping his indifferent façade in place.

“Morning,” Eleven chirped. His heart soared at the sound of joy in her voice and all he wanted to do was wrap her in his arms.

He opted for a tight smile instead, “Thanks.”

Billy sat at the table, a cup of coffee steaming in his hand. He sat adjacent from the pale girl and saw how the sun made her seem ethereal. Her skin was a soft pink in the morning glow and her eyes seemed to have more of a spark in them. Not being able to control it, he cracked a smile at her. She just grinned and hopped up from her chair, running somewhere behind Billy. There was rattling and giggles coming from her. 

“Uh oh,” Hopper intoned. 

Taupe eyebrows raised, “What?”

“She’s gotta plan, just wait,” he smirked.

Drawers in the kitchen shook with Eleven’s powers until it all came to a halt. Billy lowered his brow at Hopper, “Wha—“ He cut himself off when he felt dainty fingers wrap themselves in his hair and twirling his frizzed curls. Blonde hair was being twisted and pulled until he felt it lift off his shoulders and somehow balanced atop his head. 

Eleven let out a peel of laughter and ran around the table to look at Billy. He kept an impassive expression until he heard Hopper let out a guffaw and ease himself out of his chair.

“You’re on your own, Hargrove,” he rasped past the cigarette in his mouth. 

Brown eyes were filled with humor as she watched him closely. He took in a steadying breath as he gave her the most intimidating look he could muster, “You better run.”

She let out a shriek and ran towards the back of the house. Billy leaped out of the chair and followed her. He stopped in the middle of the hallway as she paused and he saw himself in a full body mirror. Everything looked the same on him, except his hair, obviously. What he wasn’t expecting was a perfectly knotted bun on top of his head with a neon pink hair bow twisting his curls. His mouth gaped open and started to chastise Eleven when he heard a door open from his left. 

A tired Max walked out and blue eyes widened with shock. She was eyeing the bun knotted on top of her brother’s head and tried to hold back a laugh, fearing his reaction. Billy’s fist was clenched and his posture was tense with anger. He glared at his reflection, attention being drawn away when he hears a shutter click. 

“I like the new style, Hargrove,” Steve teased from behind his polaroid. 

Billy’s blue eyes were wide and flooded with rage, “Harrington!” He chased the boy back into the room they had slept. Steve had a shit-eating grin as he ran to the other side of the bed. He kept hopping back and forth, keeping Billy from gaining a chance to strike. 

“What is it, Hargrove?” Steve teased, flapping the polaroid manically.

A hand outstretched, pink lips pouting behind it, “Just hand it over, pretty boy, and no one gets hurt.”

Brown eyes filled with humor, “I think I’ll keep this one as black mail, but thanks for the offer.”

Billy groaned, “Jesus, Harrington. What do you want from me?”

“Guess you’ll find out,” Steve smirked, slipping the picture into the waistband of his boxers.

A hand grasped at Steve’s worn shirt, “If anyone—“

“If anyone sees you’ll kill me, blah blah blah,” Steve dismissed the younger boy, “Take it out before I get another picture.”

Billy’s hand scrambled to his hair and jerked out the elastic wrapped in soft fabric. He groaned as it plucked some of his blonde strands. The anger seemed to fade from him, and he took notice. He didn’t strike at anyone, wasn’t even planning on it. A grin made its way to his lips, from the realization that he just chased Eleven in a playful gesture, not even dreaming of harming her. Something akin to hope fluttered in his chest as he slipped the scrunchie over his wrist, maybe he does have this.

The rest of the day was filled with teary good-byes, Mike and Eleven sneaking away, and plenty of cigarettes. Billy watched from the hood of his car as the last good-byes were squeezed out of each person. He rolled his eyes, puffing his cigarette. Smoke hovered around his face before shifting away and further in the wind. Decidedly, Billy stayed back from the farewells because his footing felt unsteady. Part of him feels they only had him because he had something they needed, but he kept that to himself. 

He was pulled from his thoughts as he saw a pair of brown eyes boring into what felt like his soul. Eleven was giving him the look and he dropped his scag when she ran to him. Billy’s face split into a smile as he held his arms open for her embrace. She let out a small ‘oof’ as she collided into his chest and buried her face into his side. For a moment he was overcome with an emotion that felt alien to his life. He cradled her head into his shoulder, mumbling his farewell.

Eleven pulled back with a bright smile, “Thank you, Billy.”

“Yeah, whatever,” he mumbled, looking away. Billy felt too exposed and raw for being vulnerable in front of people like that. He had to push it back down as if nothing happened. She just looked in his eyes and gave him a smile. Her eyes showed that she knew he didn’t mean yeah, whatever but more of thank you, you’re great.

Soon enough they were all cramped back into the car, but it was quieter this trip. More of a somber feeling was palpable in the air between the teenagers. Billy kept his hands occupied with the steering wheel and occasional cigarette. Steve was enthralled by watching the dexterity in those fingers, but he wouldn’t admit to that.

He kept pushing back his cuticles and biting at his lip. Anxiety seemed to be lurking beneath the surface of his skin. Running rampant throughout his veins and thoughts, waiting for the perfect time to hit him with an attack. Steve picked apart his day in his head, trying to piece together what could have happened to trigger this. Other than being emotional of having to leave Mike and El again, nothing really came to mind for him. Until he glanced over to Billy and remembered this morning, before the other had woken from sleep.

Blonde hair was tangled in a mess around his neck and Billy’s face had been pressed into the junction leading into his chest. The younger boy had taken kindly to skin contact throughout the night, apparently. Steve remembered how warm his face flushed as he carefully plucked Billy’s arms from around his waist and shoulders. He looked out of the window of the car as he recalled Billy letting out a small whine. 

“Steve?” Max called from beneath him. 

Brown eyes trained on the younger girl’s face, “Yeah?”

“Um, do you think you could drive me and Lucas to the drive-in next Friday?” she asked, ever so sweetly. 

A scoff was heard from the driver’s seat, “What about me, Maxine?”

Blue eyes followed the stern voice, “Well, you know—“

“I know what?” Billy sneered.

Steve reached his hand across the seat and brushed the ill-tempered one’s shoulder, “Chill, I got it.”

“No, I think I can handle it,” the blonde snapped.

Lucas pulled himself up to the front of the vehicle, “What if you both took us?”

Billy snorted, “Nope, won’t work.”

Max pouted, “But, Billy…”

_____

“I can’t believe you talked me into this,” Billy groaned.

Max was currently brushing through her thick, fiery locks, staring Billy through her vanity, “I can and you have to be on your best behavior.”

“I’m always—“ Billy attempted to counter the command.

“No, you aren’t or we wouldn’t be here,”  
she glared, icy.

Blue flickered from the conflict, “But—“

“Don’t care, you have to be nice to me, Lucas, and especially Steve,” she emphasized, tying her hair into a pony tail. 

Billy rolled his eyes, “Fine. I guess.”

Max seemed to almost glow at his submission, “Good. Oh, you and Steve have to sit on the car for the movie.”

“What? Why? It’s a drive-in,” he argued.

A sigh of exasperation left her lips, “Me and Lucas need alone time, duh.”

“Ew, Maxine, that’s gross,” Billy’s face twisted in horror.

Another roll of baby blues, “Oh, please. You and Steve need alone time.”

“What?” his heart started to race, “Why?” His vision blurred for a moment.

“To get through whatever mess you’ve got going on with him,” Max explained, as if it were obvious.

A spluttering Billy stepped forward, “So, you just, you just, wanna make us sit in a silent movie while you play tonsil hockey to sort out our non-existent problems? Yeah, right.”

“You need it,” the small girl retorted, “Be good, Steve’s almost here.”

She was right because in a mere five minutes Steve Harrington stumbled his way onto their porch in an anxious haze. His eyes seemed tinted red and a bit of over kill on perfume, informing Billy on a very imperative fact. Steve Harrington was absolutely stoned. 

“Harrington,” Billy grinned, “How ya feelin’?”

Steve gave him a big smile, “Great.”

Looking over his shoulder, seeing Max gathering the rest of her things, he strode to the older boy. Gathering a piece of his jacket in his hands, fisting it with a different kind of emotion, “You’re not driving. I don’t care, but you aren’t driving like this with the kids, got it? Sober up before we leave and I’ll let you drive Betsy.”

Steve nodded, barely containing a giggle, “Betsy?”

Billy sighed, “Yes, Betsy.”

“Billy,” Max called from the steps.

He immediately released Steve from his grasp, brushing off his jacket and throwing an arm around his shoulders. Billy gave her one of his heart-melting smiles, “Yeah? Was just telling Harrington how great this silent movie is gonna be.”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever. Let’s get my boyfriend,” she muttered, shoving past them.

Steve laughed, not quite being able to hold it back, “Betsy.”

“Shut up,” Billy muttered, dragging Steve to the car.

Steve sat quietly in the passenger seat, trying to contain his not-sober antics. He felt slightly guilty as he shouldn’t be high around his kids, but he hadn’t planned on it. Robin was very convincing with a joint hanging from her lips and Heather leaning against her chest, both sated. Weed felt nice, made him feel heavy and as if only the present mattered. He really liked that. 

Billy also seemed even cuter when Steve was high, and he couldn’t even begin to fathom how that was even possible. He couldn’t even keep his eyes off the enchanting presence driving him. His brow was furrowed with something close to worry and he had cigarette tucked into the left side of his lips. Steve felt a smile trying to form on his face, and he turned away in fear of being too transparent. The entire reason he had gotten high was just arms length away. His conversation with Robin and Heather replayed in his head. Echoes of their pity and reassurances that he’ll be alright bounced in his mind.

“Hey Steve!” a cheery voice interrupted his thoughts. Lucas was grinning at him, smile almost blinding, and he hoped his smile in return did justice.

“Luke!” Steve grinned.

The youngest boy seemed confused, “Luke?”

Billy let out a cough, “Harrington doesn’t know how to get sleep. I swear he almost called me Billy earlier.”

Steve’s heart leapt to his throat as he realized Billy noticed their lack of use of names. He just let out a light laugh and half-hearted agreement. Anxiety had crept it’s way into his chest, fear of being stoned and not being able to take care of his kids. Endless scenarios tortured his mind as they drove to the theater. 

What if they crashed? He’d be useless. What if they got pulled over? He’d be arrested. What if the kids noticed his lack of sobriety? He would lose them. 

His chest was tight as he tried to gather himself, but he already felt the tears stinging his eyes. A hand tapped his thigh, “You alright?”

He cleared his throat, “Yeah, can I have a cigarette?”

Billy’s eyes widen minimally, “Sure, just grab one.”

Steve just nodded, a shaking hand grasping for a smoke and light. The smoke filling his lungs took his mind off of his useless fear and anxiety. No wonder Billy liked smoking, he pondered to himself. A small giggle left his lips.

“What?” Max called from the back seat, suspicion clear in her voice. 

“Nothing,” Steve laughed, “Something Billy did.”

The car swerved slightly to the right and Billy let out a hard cough. Lucas leaned to the front of the car, “Are you sure you’re okay, Steve?”

“Positive, dude,” Steve grinned.

Lucas eased back into his seat, “If you say so.”

Soon after the awkward exchange, an unlikely group of kids were parked in the middle of the drive-in theater. Steve’s heart soared as the car was placed in park and Billy sent the younger ones for snacks. When they were three cars away Billy let out an awkward sigh.

“So, you good? Still high?” he inquired.

Steve shrugged, “Yeah, I’m okay.”

“Okay, alright. Good,” Billy responded. 

There was a pregnant pause before the oldest shattered it. 

“Sorry for calling you Billy,” he mumbled, picking at the skin surrounding his fingernails.

A throaty laugh filled the car as Billy set the radio station, “Jesus, Harrington, did ya just apologize for using my first name?”

“Well,” Steve tried to muffle his laugh with a hand pressed into his lips, “Yeah, I mean because you’re Hargrove.”

Billy wrinkled his nose, “And you’re Harrington, but we don’t talk about it.”

“What do we talk about?” Steve asked, voice quiet.

A hand reached out for a cigarette, words muffled from the filter, “How we’re fucked in the head, what else is there to talk about?”

Steve was ready to give a response before his door was thrown open by a sugar-rushed Lucas Sinclair. He had a hand on his hip and tapped his foot, “C’mon, you and Billy gotta go.”

“What?” the babysitter asked, incredulous.

Max was already sitting in the driver’s seat, “We don’t have all night. Go.”

He stood on shaky legs and Lucas slipped behind him, slamming the door closed. Steve looked over to see Billy, appearing nonplussed per the usual. The younger boy sat on the hood of the car for all of five seconds before he was disturbed by an exasperated Max.

“You’re gonna have to sit on the ground, I can’t see,” she griped. 

Billy sighed and slid to the packed dirt beneath them. He rested his hands on his thighs, turning for Steve, “You comin’?”

“Yeah, yeah, hold your horses,” Steve teased.

The ground was firm as he settled into it beside the younger boy. He stared at the screen for a beat before turning to Billy, “We can’t hear it.”

“No shit, we just got kicked out of the car. Any other brilliant observations,” Billy quipped.

Steve was leaning against his arm that was propped on his elbow, “You’re pretty.”

“What?” Billy’s brain re-wired because never has any guy his age called him pretty. His heartbeat picked up and he watched as Steve turned away from him. He felt conflicted with himself before he just sighed, “Anything else, other than… that?”

Brown hair shifted as Steve shook his head, “No.” 

A strike of panic hit Billy as he realized he didn’t want Steve to make himself smaller. Not because of a sweet sentiment that he couldn’t return or accept like he would want. He inched closer to the scared boy and cleared his throat. Steve flinched and looked up to see Billy a lot closer than a moment ago.

“Thank you,” Billy mumbled.

A smile brightened the older boy’s face, “Oh, you’re welcome.”

Before the conversation could be carried, suddenly Billy was up in a flash. He glared into the car, taking his fingers to point into his eyes and pointed them back at the teenagers. Steve let out a laugh, “You really must not trust them.”

“I really do, but I know what this is like,” Billy smirked.

The Indianian let out a laugh, “Oh, sure. Tell me all about it.”

“Well,” Billy started, “You gotta be smooth, don’t let them know you’re as into them as you really are.”

Steve snorted, “Okay, whatever. Go on.”

“Then you park and get comfortable. Slip an arm if you can,” the blonde explained. 

Big doe eyes was studying the other boy, “Think I can get a demonstration?”

Billy rolled his eyes, “Yeah, I guess, Harrington.” He slipped an arm behind the older boy and tugged him into his chest. They both relaxed a lot faster than they’d like to admit. 

“So, anyway, you get your arm around them and act like you give a fuck about the movie,” he laughed.

Steve burst into giggles and held onto Billy’s jacket sleeve, “That’d be kinda hard with us.”

“Well, this one’s different pretty boy,” Billy smirked.

There was a different kind of tension between them, it was almost palpable. The pair were now staring into one another’s eyes and the movie seemed small. The kids seemed to be at the back of their minds as they searched one another’s eyes for answers and questions they could have never voiced. Space seemed to be getting closer and closer between the two. Steve was absolutely aching for Billy to just press the smallest kiss into his lips. His body seemed to be almost craving something it had never had and it was driving him mad. Grip tightened on the jacket of the younger boy as Billy leaned in even closer. 

“You still think boys who kiss boys are alright, Harrington?” Billy asked, brow raising.

Steve bit into his lip, “No doubt, Hargrove.” They were just a breath away now, and his heart was close to leaping out of his chest. His eyes began to sink low when—

“Billy! I gotta go to the bathroom,” Max called from above them. Steve fell backwards, chest heaving. Billy’s eyes were wide and he scrambled back to his side of the car, or front of the car.

“Billy,” Steve began, voice hoarse. 

Tight blonde curls moved furiously, “I can’t. Not now.”

Steve’s heart sank as he eased back against the car, letting the silence fill the void in his chest.


	7. send an angel for some help

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> angst :)  
> WARNINGS FOR: PANIC/ANXIETY ATTACKS + SELF INJURY + FLASHBACKS

chapter 7: send an angel for some help  
song of the chapter: company by better off

WARNINGS FOR: PANIC/ANXIETY ATTACKS + SELF INJURY + FLASHBACKS

September started in a haze for Steve because his heart was heavy. Every morning it felt as if it bled just a bit more than the last and it was all for Billy. The blonde had been cold as ice for the rest of the night of the drive-in and then hasn’t contacted him in over two weeks. He ached to see those blue eyes and search them for the answers he needs. 

Is Billy okay?

Has he eaten?

Has he slept?

Steve wasn’t sure on anything and it was eating him alive, or at least it felt like it. He chewed his cuticles away the first week and now his nails were to the quick. Pitifully, he had resigned to gnawing the inside of his lip until it bled because he just wasn’t sure what Billy wanted. He moseyed his way to his window, overlooking his pool and stared into the darkening sky. 

“Great,” he grumbled to himself. A storm was the last thing he needed because his house was prone to power outages. He didn’t even have a second option to go because Robin had gone out with Heather for the weekend, and Billy wasn’t in his picture anymore. Tears pricked his eyes at the thought of the boy haunting his everyday life. The regret and displaced feeling had made a home inside of his chest and each day it felt a bit heavier. He sighed and stared into the darkened sky. 

Clouds swirled in an angry gray array of brushes across the sky. Rain was closing in on Hawkins and part of Steve just wanted to lay in it. To be able to feel as the droplets of moisture arrowed their ways into him. He stayed by the window, fingers pressing into the softening wood and staring listlessly into the distance. Steve contemplated what would have happened if he did kiss Billy and they wouldn’t have been interrupted. Would they have kept kissing? Or would they have broken apart and Billy scrambled away? Would the blonde boy be with him or no?

Steve pouted as the questions pounded at him from every angle. Even though he selfishly wanted Billy all to himself, in every aspect, he did respect two things. One, Billy is his own person who makes his own decisions. Two, monopolizing one’s time is unhealthy. He would allow himself to daydream of it, but never genuinely believe in a reality. That was Steve wandering for a broken heart. 

The glass on the bi-paned window had started to fog and he dragged his finger along the moist frame. Steve began pressing pictures into the structure. Multiple stars were drawn, a couple hearts, and something that was supposed to be a dog. This helped his mind stay away from bad thoughts, but eventually he ran out of room. He sat back on his feet and watched the condensation fill the lines he had traced through the moisture. Brown eyes were spacey as they watched the patterns disappear. 

A crack of thunder broke him out of the trance of staring into space. His heart was felt in his throat as he looked around the room in a hurry, worried if something was there. Logically, he knew nothing and no one was in his room, but he couldn’t help from searching it. The upside down had forced a piece of irrational fear into his brain and he succumbed to it on his bad days. It had happened to be a bad day, with his moping and not being scheduled to work. That left plenty of time for him to replay the most hated/loved moment of his life. When he almost kissed Billy Hargrove. 

A small part of Steve wanted to blame Max or even Billy, but his conscience would never let him. Realistically, Max had no way of knowing what had the potential to unfold that night, and was being responsible. He had also reasoned Billy’s reaction and rejection in that fragile moment. They had been pulled under a reverie that no one could see or hear them from any angle. It had been the blonde headed boy that always initiated any contact, but also took it upon himself to break it. Steve relished having Billy question if he was still okay with boys who kiss boys. Even after he had let him know that he didn’t have a problem. He loved letting his mind get the better of him and have him play out a scenario where they kissed. 

His daydream was shattered violently when Steve heard a banging at his sliding door. He padded across the tile floor, pushing past the blinds and almost fainted. A mop of curly hair was dripping water and a panting Billy Hargrove stood at his door step. The younger boy was drenched in rain and it seemed as if there was blood dripping down his arm. Steve gasped and threw the door open, grabbing Billy’s sleeve. Pulling in the younger boy proved to be a challenge, as lighting crackled through the sky Billy struggled in Steve’s hold. He let out a cry of pain and stumbled away from the older boy. Blue eyes seemed unfocused as they scanned the room he had been pulled inside. 

The air was taught as they stared at each other, chests heaving with panic and anxiety. Billy’s eyes were rimmed with tears and dirt marred his tanned face. Breathing was erratic as another bolt of lighting shattered the sky and Billy was cowering. Steve grabbed him and pulled him away from the door, slamming it shut. The younger boy’s eyes were flickering all about the room, but it seemed as if they weren’t really capturing what was there.

Rain pelted the glass and Steve sat on the cool tiles by Billy’s head. The kitchen was quiet, save for their breathing.

“Hey, what—“ Steve began.

“I DON’T WANT TO GO BACK,” Billy screamed into the silence. He began clawing into his own skin and crystal eyes filled with tears.

Silence wrapped the kitchen in a suffocating rush and Steve scooted towards the frightened boy. Billy’s eyes were red and tears streamed his cheeks. The moment was torn as another stretch of lightning consumed the sky for a moment. A crash was heard and Billy was on the floor in a heap of throaty sobs and begging for peace. 

“What do I do?” Steve asked, voice pained. 

Billy’s knuckles were white as he dragged himself up the cabinet in a weak attempt to stand. He gasped a hoarse breath, “It has to stop.”

“What?” Another strike of lightning punctuated the taller boy’s sentence. 

“That!” Billy cried, burying his face into his hands, cowering into a corner.

Lightning. 

Realization dawned over him that Billy can’t handle lightning. Something happens to his brain when it strikes. 

Steve rushed to Billy, gathering him in his arms, pulling him toward his room. His full length blinds allowed him to have a darkened room, regardless of time or weather. He huffed out a breath as he dragged the practically limp body up his stairs. Billy pushed his face into Steve’s collar, mumbling something of how he didn’t want to go. The eldest decided that he would wait for the other to tell him what that concerned, not wanting to make him feel pressured. 

He shoved his oak door open, roughly, taking the broad shoulders and shoving Billy on the bed. The younger boy thrashed and struggled to breathe, as Steve raced around the room. Hurriedly, covering all the windows to prevent another attack on the blonde boy. Quietly, Steve sat on the edge of the bed and watched Billy. The boy’s face was ruddy and his chest was moving erratically.

A cold, uneasy pause connected them until Billy let out a wet cough, “I was there, again.”

“I-I don’t get it. Where?” Steve questioned. 

Billy pressed the heels of his hands into his eyes, “Upside Down.”

“You weren’t in the Upside Down. You were with me the whole time,” Steve explained, confusion lacing his voice.

Messy blonde curls jerked forcefully, shaking his head, “I was there when the lightning flashed. That’s why I—“

“It’s alright,” Steve consoled. He stared at the boy who had pulled himself into the far corner of the bed, avoiding eye contact.

“It’s not alright. I hate it. But I don’t know what to do and you get it and I just—“ Billy cut himself off as he began shaking.

Steve scooted himself closer, “Hey, hey, you’re alright. Do you want me to, maybe, uh, hold you?”

Blue eyes widened, “But, but, but, what about, uh, uhm—“

“Dude, c’mon, you need it,” Steve interrupted. 

Billy nodded and held out his arms with hesitance. Steve let out a small snort as he crowded into the other’s space and wrapped him in his arms. Squeezing him tight and pressing his face into the wet hair, he felt them both relax. A clammy hand sneaked its way under Steve’s thin, old practice shirt. Warmth bled into his skin and ribs as Billy stroked the porcelain-like skin of the older boy.

He pressed himself along Steve’s side, seemingly making himself smaller and less noticeable. Billy sighed as he hid his face in the neck of someone he wasn’t supposed to like. Heart strings clenched as he remembered those feelings, the ones that kept him up at night. The almost kiss replayed through his mind, and he couldn’t help but cringe at himself. Why did he say that? Why did he let Steve leave that night? Why hadn’t he talked to him. 

Fear. 

Such a dumb emotion, in Billy’s opinion, but it ruled his life. Yet, it was the reason he was wrapped in Steve Harrington’s arms, but couldn’t kiss him. Exhaustion poured into veins as he relaxed further into the firm arms holding him. Despite every last bit of the events that lead him to this moment, Billy felt utterly safe. In the arms of someone, who for some reason, showed him complete forgiveness and patience. Anxiety flamed in his chest at the thought of Steve realizing that he wasn’t worth the effort and he began to shrink away.

“Hey,” a low voice rumbled above him, “Why ya movin’?”

Blue eyes shone with desperation, “I just, I don’t deserve this.”

“What d’ya mean?” Steve asked, words slurred from exhaustion. 

“You. I don’t deserve you,” he whispered, breaking the spell that had lulled them into a sense of safety. 

Brown eyes shot open and hands cupped Billy’s waist, “Yes, yes you do. You deserve good things.”

Billy turned on his other side and pouted, he knew he didn’t deserve it. Although it seemed Steve was determined to make him believe that he did. The bed creaked as the older boy wrapped the younger in his arms, chin nestled in between his shoulder and neck. Blue eyes were rimmed with unshed tears, staring at the wall and holding back his sobs. A hand ran over his broad chest and a low mumble rang in his ear.

“You can cry,” Steve soothed. 

Billy’s body stiffened and he shook his head, “No.”

“If you cry I can act like nothing ever happened,” he prodded. 

Tears suddenly began to fall and Billy had never felt worse. Because he had never in his life had been so weak, and now someone who has shown him some form of forgiveness for once was comforting him. He couldn’t help from wondering if Steve had cried, or if he even needed it. Billy stayed as still as possible and let the tears slide down his face, soft sniffles sounding from him. 

Steve’s hand rubbed across his chest and shoulders. Despite his distaste of the intimate situation, Billy found himself slowly relaxing into the comfort. The room was silent and he wanted to be swallowed whole from the bed, never to return. There was no way he could face Steve after this turn of events. 

“I’m gonna miss you,” Billy choked out, past his tears.

Steve’s hands stopped, “What do you mean?”

Billy gave a half-hearted shrug, “Dunno.”

“Hargrove, you aren’t gonna cry on me and then leave. We can still be…” Steve trailed off, both knowing they were in a space that wasn’t friends. 

Blue eyes watered, “No, we can’t.”

“Yes, we can,” Steve rebuked. 

An exasperated sigh left the Californian boy, “We can’t!”

“Why? Give me a goddamn reason before you just leave,” Steve pleaded.

“Because it’s what I want,” the crying boy said in a soft tone.

Eyebrows raised, “Really? That’s why I’m holding you?”

Billy pouted and pushed himself out of Steve’s hold, “Shut up, Harrington. We can’t because you won’t treat me the same.”

“Why wouldn’t I treat you the same? Because you have emotions?” Steve’s blood was boiling. 

Another half shrug came from Billy as he stood from the side of the room, “I guess.”

“You guess? See? You don’t even know what you’re saying and I’m so fed up,” Steve sneered. 

Billy glowered, “Why are you still trying then?”

“Because I feel like the only one who has!” Steve cried. 

Quiet. The room became still with the silence of the revelation. It had hurt Billy to hear that Steve must have seen him as a child, or something of the like. He had never been one who favored pity and he’ll be damned if he started. Blue and brown stared each other down until Billy’s lips parted. 

“So, that’s it, huh? Harrington sees me as some baby, well let me fucking tell you something. Or maybe a project? I’m not a goddamn kid and I am not yours to fix and you don’t have to pity me,” Billy spat, moving towards the door. 

“Billy, wait,” Steve beseeched, brown eyes wet. 

A scoff left the youngest, “What? You wanna make me feel bad now.”

“No, but, you got it wrong,” he whispered. 

“What, pray tell, have I mistaken?” Billy replied in a snooty tone. He can’t let Steve see he’s affected or he’s scared of what will happen. 

It all happened at a weird pace, neither of them ready nor thinking of what was about to happen. All Billy knows is that he was pressed into the wall and Steve’s lips were on his. A fire ignited in his bones as he grabbed onto the shoulders helping to keep him pinned. He kissed back into Steve because fuck he had been waiting, but been too scared. The older boy was gentle and stroked his jaw and hair. His stomach did somersaults as he kissed back and threaded his fingers into the thick brown locks. 

“That’s what you got wrong,” Steve panted. 

Billy’s heart stopped for a moment because he kissed a boy. A real, living, breathing boy. Anxiety clawed it’s way to the forefront of his mind and tormented him almost immediately. What would his dad think? Is he a faggot? Is Steve his boyfriend? How do they have sex? The air became thin and his vision was blurry before Steve stroked his cheek. 

“You’re alright, honey,” he soothed. 

“But, I…” Billy trailed off, not even sure what he could say. 

Steve gave him a soft smile, “The world is still spinning, it’s still raining, and we’re all in one piece. We can kiss, Billy.”

He nodded, curls bouncing all around, “Uh, okay, um, can I…” he licked his lips, “Could we do that again?”

Steve grinned, “Of course.” His lips were soft and slow against Billy’s, almost like a girls, if it weren’t for his small amount of stubble. He pressed harder into Steve’s lean body, hands running up his sides, only to stop at his shoulders. They kissed for a few more moments until Billy broke it again. 

“I like this, I really do, but uh,” his face filled with a blush. 

“What?” Steve’s eyebrow raised.

“Can I take a nap? I’m fuckin’ tired and…” Billy trailed off. 

A laugh rang out, “Yeah, you can take a nap.”

He gave Steve a smile, “Thanks.”

The floorboards creaked as Billy stepped to the bed and rested on the side. He didn’t wanna take up anymore room than he had to, until Steve threw himself on the bed and tugged Billy close. Another blush almost stained his cheeks before Steve gave him another peck on the lips. Soon enough, his body was relaxed and he was content. For the most part. 

Billy’s anxiety was eating up his mind, but it was easy to ignore when Steve’s fingers were tugging through his hair. The room was dark and cooling off, the perfect time for a nap, in Billy’s opinion. He fell asleep with a smile, content for a moment.


End file.
